A self-reflecting note meant to be a warning for all of us

There is dark, DARK monster that lives within all of us, capable of causing such vile behaviors to people we "love." Above all, I hope someone out there gets to read this and reflect on how it is so wrong to avoid admitting our worst behaviors by placing them on the "its not me" excuse. It is us. It is part of our being and it is part of human nature that must be recognized, accepted and tamed with the first warning signs.

2 years ago I met what I immediately consider to be the love of my life. From the first moment we got to sit down and chat, we both knew it was an instant match- a deep, organic connection that came out with such ease and fluidity.

I knew from the first moment I saw the connection that I wanted nothing else but to be together forever. That I wanted to marry them, have children with them and eventually die off on our little ranch next to one another.

We were the ultimate couple that everyone seemed to be jealous of. From family, friends, coworkers to even random old ladies minding their own stopping us to mention how "beautiful of a couple" we were.

It didn't take long before I took things from 0 - 100, asking her to mine, moving in together and eventually building our new lives and a new home together. Just any couple that is first moving in together, we both got a reality check for learning how we functioned on a day to day basis with nothing but each other to learn, accept and learn manage.

If there is one thing from all of this that I know to be was good and true, is that I also had an unconditional love through some really though moments, did not deter me from knowing how I really felt about here- an unconditional love that brought me the calming demeanor that would be able to face whatever shitstorm would hit us. A sense of security that no matter what ever were to happen, we would stick together and make it work.

But then things started to slowly take a turn for the worst- all starting with me.

While the rest of the story is long, all you need to know is that little by little, my dark secrets and sketch behaviors started to come out. From losing focus on her for other people on the internet, to downloading dating apps, to having a full on affair- all while still together- was clearly a very obvious signal that there was something terribly wrong. A horrible source of toxicity that was rotting us from the inside, and one that just kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse. From grandiosity, to narcissism, to manipulation- I found a way to deny, lie and avoid the truth with no intention to stop. The only real change came by being more sneaky and hiding deeper and deeper the real monster I kept trying to feed with deceit.

At this point in time, I have committed the ultimate sin- defiling, torturing and completely breaking apart the one true person that time and time again showed me an unconditional love that I had only ever known from my mother and my closest family/friends. An unwavering, relentless love that was not gonna go anywhere.

After moving for the second time from the East coast to the West coast, we started a new journey together that was meant to be a way for us to become explorers and go off to live new adventures in new places with new people and new experiences that we were both looking forward to. Still, the monster came along as well.

I downloaded dating apps as soon as I arrived while she trekked along the entire country with all of our belongings, our dog and her best friend. A total of about 3000 miles that left her completely defeated after a week's journey through all of the terrains this country has to offer. She found out soon after.

Still, I was adamant that we were going to make it work and that I would never reach such depths again. That she could trust the 'changes' I would make to never let her down again. Lie.

After two months of having started our new lives on the other side of the country- I opted to part ways with her, excusing it all by the way things were really turning worse and worse for us. Maybe it was the environment that we found ourselves in- a meth filled town, in the middle of nowhere, with freezing cold waters and a scorching sun that was relentless. I really believed that parting ways was the best and only option for us given how bad things had turned from where we first started.

She went her own way after I dismissed her, and so did I.

After a short time of starting a new and separate from one another, I found my way back to her. Why? Because I really missed her presence. I missed having her around and I felt like it was such a mistake having let what we had go to waste. Still, I put little effort into trying to bring the real home we were suppose to uphold through it all. Instead, I opted to have her far away from me while keeping her in my pocket.

While on my own, I started to fall down a deep abyss that only now I recognize lead to the ultimate demise of what was once a true love story. From alcohol, to drugs, to dating apps (again) and to really committing to cheat on her- I really began to spiral out of control. I was at the peak of my career, having found my dream job and making more money than I had ever made.

Even while the monster in me kept growing and growing, one thing really stood tall and true: I love her and I miss her company.

I would drive down 4 hours to her lonesome, cold and small little shack where she sought refuge after she became stranded, alone, in a weird little town that had no significant enjoyment to say the least. My heart broke at the realization that she was all alone, in the worst conditions, and all because of me.

Still, and again, stupidly, we continued on trying to make it work. Driving to one another, sheltering in the cold shack bundled up together watching movies on a busted old laptop and still finding natural ways of enjoying the smallest moments. She would also drive up to see me and we would go on trips to new places where we thrived because of the love we gave one another. At that point in time, the monster in me laid dormant and no ill means ever showed signs of being anywhere near.

But it didn't take long for the monster to start awakening again.

The second worst confession I have to make about the many tortures I brought upon this angel was the night she found out I cheated on her. The night where after an arduous 24 hours of a 12 hour shift- her moving day to a new town, closer, but still not with me- a full night and day or HARD WORK: packing all her shit, moving all her shit, and driving for hours to come meet me so we could leave together for a trip to Japan, she found the truth of my affair.

One of the worst memories that I will forever carry with me is her arriving at my place that night- her going straight to the couch and resting her feet on top of me. Swollen, edematous feet that were the prime example of the last 24 hours she had endured.

It took but an hour before she found out the truth. And again, the monster in me gave her no real answer, gave her no reassurance, gave her no hope, and eventually made me walk the door, headed towards the airport to fly alone. All while she stood at the doorway watching me leave.

Still, she persevered. She made her own plans for a new trip, with a new travel buddy, headed to what was a heart-breaking journey meant for recovery- a trip that deep down inside, she had hoped would have been by my side.

After weeks, months of psychological torture of me doing all these repulsive, vile behaviors the final straw came 2 nights ago, where the monster in me fully came out with no intention for peace.

After my return from Japan, she still foolishly received me with open arms, last hopes that this would be it. That this time, things were really going to change.

My trip felt lonely, cold and empty without her. A trip to a far away place where I had no one but myself. At times, it really made me reflect on a lot of what was really going on. From train rides with an empty seat next to me, to dinners in a lonesome cubicle, to places we had marked as potential destinations and activities we would do.

It really started to hit me what the fuck was going on.

Still the monster in me just waited until the right time to strike.

I came back to the states and she foolishly received me, yet again, with hesitation, but arms wide open. She remained steadfast on the 'real connection' that we had and the hopes for a better future.

Shortly after I came back, I had plans to visit home and see my family and friends. A trip that changed everything for me. The hard truths of my sadistic behaviors. My endless torment of this poor girl. The reality that I was truly torturing her for no fucking reason while also gaslighting her with hopes and nice gifts as a proof of my devotion. Which while true, and truthfully not ill-intended, maybe was really that way of continuing the torture.

I came back with a plan of action to really start the process for recovering what I knew now was important to me- bringing her home and stop all the nonsense bullshit cycles that I had kept her in for so long.

I drove out of my way after I landed back in her town with the intentions of telling her this. That after EVERYTHING I have just mentioned, FINALLY, I was ready to commit again.

But life has a funny way of intervening, and I now realize that maybe this was really the way it was meant to be.

For the five minutes I got to see her, as she snuck out of work during a busy shift, she ran straight to my car with heart eyes as her 'man' made the effort to be present once again. The joy she always got me from having me anywhere near her, EVEN after EVERYTHING, just broke me and solidified my intentions more.

But alas, our 5 minutes were spent more on talking about my odyssey back to the west coast, seeing everyone back home, the talks I had with everyone, fully admitting to the hard truths that I was so ashamed to even speak of. (Also about a minute and half of her looking for a snack to eat)

But again, the universe finally said no.

She left to go back inside and I made my journey back home. I was tired, I was defeated and I had to face another odyssey to make it back to my place as I drove in a deep fog with nothing but 3 feet worth of vision.

She texted me: "I am so glad I got to see you.. you made me feel like a princess and it made me really happy.. but when you were talking about the hard talks back home, did it mean you were never going to talk to me again?"

"Im so glad.. and no but I do want to talk to you about it."

This was it, "the talk" about my FINAL realization of how fucked up I had treated her again and again and again, and how despite it all, I wanted to make amends one way or another for all the shit that I really should not ever be forgiven for. Whether thats true or my inner monster trying to fuck it all up again, I will never know, but I rightfully did not deserve the right to do that after so long.

I whole heartedly believe that was when the universe ultimately said: "NO. THIS ENDS HERE."

She interpreted my reply, my desire for having "the talk" as a warning signal of another dizzying spell around the vicious cycle that I had dragged through again and again and again for months: 'I love you.. I am so sorry for all my shit.. I will change.. I don't feel right about this.. I have to walk away.'

That was her last and final straw.

For how at THIS point in time, when I had realized the truth about my own behaviors, this shit happened. Ironic? Funny? Sad? A divine intervention? I don't know, but it really should have been my cue to just, for once, give her the peace she truly deserved.

Her texts after flooding my phone: "No I am not doing this again with you.. I am so sick and tired of all this bullshit and I am calling it quits right here, right now.. it is obvious that I will never be good enough for you and I am okay with that now. Good luck."

That was the final awakening of this monster inside me that took advantage of this divine comedy of a misinterpreted reply. The door was slammed shut on me and the anxiety started to boil, little by little, but on top of fiery stove that was just getting hotter and hotter.

This fucking demon completely took over and that was the beginning of the end for me. The beginning of an overwhelming insanity that I had absolutely no chance of stopping. A tsunami of my worst emotions having full control which terrorized me day and night, while awake or asleep, whether in the bathroom or at work. EVERYWHERE.

FINALLY Karma had struck and with a raging vengeance.

The desperate texts started to flood her phone. The endless narcissistic, manipulative and truly cynical tricks I had played were finally on full display, and there was no stopping.

To this day, and for the rest of my life, I will go about my days carrying the biggest psychotic breakdown of all time.

After weeks of silence, after weeks of anxiety, after weeks of despair filled with alcohol, I made a decision to put a stop to my suffering:

I drove uninvited to her town, to finally sit down with her and have the "productive one-on-one conversation" I was desperate to have. My final chance at rebuilding, at not letting go for whatever fucking hopeless reason.

I called her: "hey, I am in your town and I am heading to this bar where Im hoping we can meet and figure this out. I will be there all day until close to give you the chance to come by."

"NO. Go home. I don't want to see you plus I have plans with my friends for the rest of the day."

"I can wait until you're done, its okay."

"No, this is so fucking manipulative. Just GO HOME. Either way, I am dating someone new now and I really don't want to see you."

"I don't mean for it to be manipulative (I truly didn't.. to be quite frank, I am not even sure what the true definition of narcissistic, cynical or manipulative means.. only that 1) they are really not okay to do and 2) are bad traits to have).

"Okay, well Ill just read my book still"

End call.

I honestly had little hope of seeing her ever walk in. But there I remained for hours until the bar closed. As the day went on and on, the more the alcohol started opening the door for the monster to fully let out.

I completely broke, as I think anyone would in that situation. The boiling put of anxiety blasted out of the pot. The demon was out for blood.

It started with the messages: "I love you and I miss you and want to make it work.. please just talk to me.. Im still here."

No reply.

Text after text after desperate text, I began to bombard her unlike anyone probably should. Unlike she deserved.

I was out of my mind and had no one to control me, including my biggest will for self-control.

By the end of the night I could barely see straight. I could barely speak without slurring half the words.

I hit the absolute rock bottom of a dark, dark pit that made me feel cold, alone and made me freak out unlike I ever thought I could.

The true monster inside had come to fully possess me and there was no going back.

I BLEW up. Nonstop texts, non stop calls. The bar had closed and there were no more drinks to drown my sorrows away nor take away the anxiety that had nuked everything inside of. I was legitimately so desperate, so weak, so manipulative and such a HORRIBLE fucking person.

An absolutely demonic, chaotic and maleficent beast that had NO leash and was out for her blood.

After multiple desperate, bipolar attempts at making SOME type of contact she finally said her last words to me:

"please leave me alone.."

The monster in me didn't like that. It definitely did not like how the messages stopped reading delivered. How her location was off. How I had no way of contacting her and trying to make her bleed even more.

What was my next course of action?

"Drive to her house.. theres a 'Thank You' card over here, write her a happy, jolly message.. oh you also brought some drugs.. she likes drugs.. maybe add them in there too.. put "for the spiritual reset you deserve, have fun.."

Want to know the ABSOLUTE icing on the cake though? It was a small little note that I left in the back of the card, literally with no rhyme or reason shitting on her friend who had taken her away for the day: "FUCK (her friend). She does not bring anything productive to your life."

My monster: "okay now go drop it off at her mailbox and leave the drugs there with them. Maybe also send her another text telling her that you dropped them off.. but make it seem like you don't care anymore.. oh and also send her a voice message telling her that she should have been a better friend to you, that all you really needed was someone to 'smack you awake from all the bullshit you had done..' YEAH do that.

With no second thought or hesitation I pressed send.

I was sobering up as I started to make my way back home. It really wasn't until I got back that EVERYTHING dawned on me.

How much a garbage man I really was. How BAD I wanted to watch this beautiful girl just suffer one way or another. How I had some seriously FUCKED up issues that for some reason or another, had laid silently within me just ready to get out unlike any human has ever seen before.

A true terrorist that would have fit perfectly amongst some of the worst fucking people that have ever walked this Earth.

I sit here now, writing this, legitimately frozen at how vile, wicked and extremely evil I am. There is no excuse for saying "this is not who I really am." NO. This is all me, this is part of me, this the monster that is legitimately frightening.

I am not even remorse about any of this. I am legitimately scared.

Its day 2 after all of this and there are no words to explain the absolute hell that I find myself in now. That rock bottom? A fiery, dark fucking pit that is gonna to hold on to me and let me burn for a long, long, loong time.

Anyone would argue that there are 'easier ways' to ease the pain. Drugs? Alcohol? More affairs? The ultimate end?

No.

I am legitimately not worthy of a swift end to all of this.

I truly deserve to rot in her for eternity and then some.

I will never be the same. I will never trust in me nor my intentions with anyone else. I will never truly recover from realizing how HORRIBLE I have been to "my person."

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my own self for any of this.

There is a monster, just like mine, that dwells inside of us. It is wise, opportunistic, and truly savage. Realize it or not, it lays dormant and really comes out to play when you are at your absolute weakest. From there you will lose all control, and specially while alone, blood will be shed.

I hope one day, someone reads this. I hope that even if one person who is slowly making their way down the train, remembers this post, remembers this story and prepares itself to either have a vast arsenal of tools ready for the attack, or simply admits defeat.

These frightening inner demons live inside all of us. All human beings are capable of doing absolutely repulsive things to other people.

I am one of them.