Hung out to dry 4 months ago. This shit is hard.

It's so weird all during my relationship my ex was the one pushing getting married and that she had found her life partner. Well she broke up with my after a super busy month at work where I was working 80+ hour weeks. I got off of that and had school for my union. Drank a bunch. She was still talking about marriage that week. So i had no clue she was gonna break up with me saturday. Like I can sit here and consciously think how we would not have worked out together and if we continued our relationship it would have been the same toxic bs of her super fake ofer the top love to prove she loves me more than I love her. Yet I still sit here and obsess. I can realize if we stayed together I'd prolly still have the same feeling of I don't really wanna Marry this girl and we are nothing alike. Why does my brain care? I realize I don't even like her that much but I still want to know what she's doing right now (ik that's weird). I think it's just the fact that she gave me no closure then went no contact and did that all on purpose so I'd end up like this and she'd "win" the breakup. It's so bizarre that my brain even cares. I want to contact her so bad right now but why? I don't even like her as a person. She was just my first adult relationship and I think that's why.