need external pressure to function apparently

this is driving me nuts but when i have clients scheduled or training sessions booked, getting up is automatic. i'll drag my feet until the very last second but i always make it happen

but give me a free weekend or these couple months between gym contracts and suddenly i turn into a useless lump. the weird part is i genuinely enjoy my morning routine - early wake up, coffee, maybe a walk before the world gets busy, tackling my to-do list. so what gives

i think part of it is the annoying prep work like showering and leaving my cozy bed situation. so i just lie there scrolling or reading for hours until suddenly it's past noon and i'm mad at myself for wasting another morning. without that external deadline forcing me out the door i just... don't

tried ditching my phone thinking that was the problem but nope, just swapped to sketching and books while still glued to my mattress til afternoon

got my diagnosis recently and this pattern was definitely part of why i sought help. it's so frustrating because leaving the house isn't even difficult and i want to do it. plus with my autism i really need that consistent morning structure but somehow can't maintain it without outside accountability

anyone else deal with this particular brand of self-sabotage

and no it's not depression before anyone asks