It’s Finally Over

It’s pretty late right now and my mind is wondering so I feel like writing something out will allow me to fully let go. Today ( or I guess yesterday at the time of writing this) my ex finally decided to permanently cut contact. She texted me and said it would be for the best if we stopped contacting each other and from there I thanked her for the time we had spent together and wished each other well. I told her I’d be deleting her contact off my phone but not block her in case there ever is a future (though I highly doubt there will) I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe in absolutes I guess.

She broke up with me in the beginning of November and we went no contact for a few months. Around January I texted her just to check in and see how she was, we chatted for a few days and went back to NC. We did this one more time with her checking in on me in February, chatting for about a week. And today she sent me the message that we should fully cut each other off. I’ll be honest in saying I don’t know how to feel.

On the one hand this girl was my first relationship, I was 19 and she was 18 when we first got together. We lasted a little under a year and a half but at during the time we were together it felt like we knew each other for a lifetime. She was practically my first everything, the one person who I should my absolute and truest self to. I loved her more than anything I ever had before. I tried my best, not to say I was good or bad but honestly just clueless. I believe I spent too much time loving her and not enough time loving myself. I imagined spending the rest of my life with her and if someone were to ask about how confident I was that I’d marry her, I would’ve responded that I’d bet my life I would. I cannot lie, it still makes me sad that I didn’t, I wanted to so bad, she gave me my absolute best memories, but also my lowest of lows.

I’ve shed more tears in reference to her than I have anything else, felt more heartbreak, pain, everything, even during the times when we were still together. The breakup wasn’t bad, no one cheated, or disrespected one another, she just told me she wasn’t happy anymore, and it crushed me because she was the one thing that truly made me happy. During our time together I would say with certainty that it was the happiest period of my life. Not to say that toward the end of our relationship I wasn’t feeling all too great about the relationship. But still I was definitely sad, I always believed in fighting for love and to never give up but that’s just the person I am I guess.

I guess it’s just that now I don’t know what to do or how to feel. There was always the hope in the back of my mind that we would get back together, that time was the one thing we needed to heal our wounds and come back stronger. But I guess that it wasn’t the case. I still kept some things from our relationship even after the breakup, a little key chain of a picture of us with the fireworks up in the air on the 4th of July with the date of when we got together, May 8th. And a painting that she gave me when we painted a canvas and exchanged them. I don’t know why I kept them, I guess as something to give me hopes that we’d get back together. I think I’m going to get rid of them later today, to finally let go of these hopes so I can truly move on. I will be keeping the card she got my for my birthday though, just tucked far away, somewhere I’ll forget I hope, just for the case so I have proof of the love we once had, as to me I’m not the type of person to just forget like anything ever happed.

I’ll be returning the red sweater she got me, as all I can think of is her when I see it hanging in my closet, but the pants I’ll keep because I really like them lol. It’s just now at this moment it feels weird, it’s weird that it’s finally over. I find it really hard to try and get over someone who I’d spent so much time with, made amazing memories with, and overall gave my all to. Most days are easy for me after the months we’ve been apart, but the times that aren’t are really really hard.

It’s hard even being in my room sometimes because I’m just reminded of her and things we’ve watched and done in here. I’ve been trying to work on myself as of late though, I’ve been going to the gym for the past couple of weeks along with reading Vinland Saga. I just bought a nice car the other day so that was nice. It’s just that I don’t know when I’ll truly be okay again, when I’ll be back to how I was before if ever. Maybe it’d be easier if our last words were about hating each other or something of that nature, but it was wishing each other well.

I have my friends and family around of course but I’ll be honest I just keep my thoughts pent up inside, from them it probably looks like I’m completely back to normal but I’m not, nowhere near close. This is the first time I’ve been so vulnerable to someone, let alone stronger online since her. Maybe it’s easier because I don’t want to be the person that’s a Debbie downer and so I just put on a front most of the time.

Have any of you felt the specific way I’m feeling, I’m not sure if most guys feel this way but maybe it’s harder for me since it was my first or maybe I’m just to emotional, or extremely attached, probably all 3.Any advice or anything of that nature. I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings and allowing me to just kinda let it all out.