Fear of everything

Hi everyone,

I miscarried during Christmas period after 8 weeks. I let my body rest for 1 cycle and we tried again. It was not my first stopped pregnancy but the first I was not forced by the events to stop.

I was fine to try again, etc. But today I am fucking so AFRAID to go through the same history again : a light positive, hope, waiting for the ultrasound and then..."it's not evolving". World crumbling apart. My partner is more disconnected than me because it's not in his body, "nothing to see, not really there".

Last time, regarding my age, the midwife told me if I miscarry again, we should test ourselves. We have already a lot of tests that are fine so I am also frightened by what could be discovered and a potential rough path to have a baby. I am someone who get reassured through information but for this, it's the first time I want to be blind. And in my country, if you go through IVF, they do not test before implantation. Wonderful.

I am tired to see everyone getting pregnant around me. I feel so lonely because I really don't have anyone who has been through a miscarriage. People are supportive but with all made up sentences that are actually not helping "not made to last", "it's for the best" etc.

I don't know what kind of answers I need. I was totally hidding everything inside me to go on in life (I got a new job in December), to try again and avoid "loosing time" but now I am so fucking afraid. I do not know if I am more afraid to see my periods coming or not to see them.