How do I f19 communicate with my partner m21 that im just sick because I know im in the wrong

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Before I explain my current issue, some context is important. My ex and I were together for two years. It was my first relationship, and I started out very anxiously attached. That changed after I visited his family and discovered he had been consistently cheating on me the entire relationship and pretending I didn’t exist around other girls. Since then, I’ve become more avoidant, especially with him.

We’ve stayed in contact over the past year after breaking up. I recently moved to his town, which made him want to try an official relationship again. I was hesitant at first because of his past cheating, a miscarriage I went through after we broke up, and the fact that my mom has cancer.

He didn’t like my distance and said I was holding him back, then blocked me on almost everything. I accepted that and didn’t reach out. The next day, my best friend made alternate accounts so I could meet her university friends and cheer me up. She posted a non-revealing photo of me and followed people. It was a bit odd in hindsight, but harmless.

My ex saw this and called me, yelling and insulting me—calling me disgusting, accusing me of cheating, and even telling me I deserved to starve, knowing I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. I explained the situation, but he kept insulting me. This turned into a conversation about why I’m avoidant. When I tried to explain that his behavior—especially how he speaks to me when he’s angry—makes me shut down, he didn’t listen.

Eventually, I told him I’d been hesitant because of the miscarriage. After that, he said he wanted to try again, and I agreed because I still love him. I asked for some space due to the hurtful things he said, which he initially accepted.

The following week, I was busy with family and health issues and could have communicated better. When I finally had time to see him, I started vomiting uncontrollably. He assumed I was lying to avoid him and even accused me of being out of the country. He demanded my exact address, which I didn’t feel safe sharing because he has threatened to kill me during past arguments.

I offered to FaceTime instead, but I was on my way to the hospital and overwhelmed with family and health matters. I explained this, but he accused me of punishing him and compared his pain to how I felt when he cheated on me and said he didn’t care about me. That upset me, and I told him to stop. He responded, “Talk to me when you’re ready.”

It’s been two days. I’m still hurt, but I don’t want to lose him because I genuinely love him and enjoy being with him. What should I do?