How It Feels To Be AuDHD

How It Feels To Be AuDHD - My Reflection

Caveat - This is how it feels for me - could feel different for others x

Since my diagnoses last year, I’ve realised just how much stress I carry everyday, and how much I live with baseline anxiety. Although I hate the term ‘masking’ because I think it connotes someone being duplicitous and fake - I don’t think that is what it is. I think masking for me just feels like ‘trying’. Like can never just relax into an interaction, and let it unfold naturally, relying on instinct.

Instead I’m trying, the whole time, I’m trying. I’m monitoring my eye contact, my reactions, my wording. I’m trying to read the person in front of me, to try and not only interact in the ‘right’ way, but I’m also trying to interact in a way that is ‘right’ for them. It’s exhausting. Constant self-monitoring. Constant self-flagellation post-interaction if I feel I’ve failed. ‘Why did I have to say that at the end? I’m pretty sure that was weird’ ‘I shouldn’t have told that story, that was a massive overshare. Awkward.’

Every interaction feels high stakes. No wonder it’s hard to know yourself, when all of your attention and energy is spent on them. Reading them, being right for them. It’s not that I’m being fake, I’m being myself, but I’m trying to do the dance of socialising, the dance that others can perform in their sleep - it’s automatic, but for me, I’m thinking about every step.

No wonder it feels tiring to live with this. No wonder im tired. Trying to fit into a world that isn’t made for me.