I am struggling with internal ableism

I 17f have been disabled my whole life, (neurodevelopmental disabilities) but only got diagnosed with them and my physical disabilities from when I was around 14-16.

The reason I was late diagnosed was because my parents are extremely ableist themselves, they are racist homophobic, all the shitty human traits.

They have also always been very neglectful, one of my disabilities was caused from my mother's neglect. A few others from their physical abuse.

Throughout my entire life, I was called a devil a burden on them, a burden on the whole world and I must just learn to be normal, so everybody won't despise me.

I am fighting with internal ableism in myself, but recently I have been having horrible ableist thoughts on others. I hate it, I feel like human scum, but I can't stop having these thoughts as the first thing, I think.

I am a person with MSN ASD, and whenever I see another minor say they have autism or even adults sometimes, my first thought is to get offended, I wonder if they are TikTok self-diagnosed, as they do not seem autistic really, I think of how much I have suffered because of it, and suffered to get my diagnosis, and I don't believe them when they say they are autistic because they have never had to suffer like that.

Another big one is when minors say they have disabling anxiety, and that they need a service dog for.

I have sent the last 2 years and counting, fighting to get a service dog for myself (i don't live in the US, laws are very strict here), And idk know I just get annoyed when i see somebody say that kind of thing. Part of it sems from the fact i am very knowledgeable abt service dogs and clinical psychology, i have 2 diplomas for psychology and have also written a book on service dogs. An part of it is, service dogs are actually usually a bad idea for anxiety and social anxiety (there are expectations of course.) And I get annoyed because it kind of shows me they don't even know what a service dog really is or does.

But honestly, I think it's just me wanting to gate keep. I don't want to think this way i hate it but I do. And in my mind, I feel like I am deserving of one, or to call myself autistic, or any of my other disabilities because of what I had through and still have to go through just for people to believe me. But on the other hand, I have a massive case of imposter syndrome, thinking im not disabled enough. And that all the kids saying they need one for anxiety, don't actually need one or have done enough research for them, because they just want to jump on a trend and have a dog with them everywhere (tbf who doesn't) and that they themselves want to feel special because of that.

And I seriously can't take it anymore, because it's burning out trying to stop myself from thinking this way.

I have a psychologist that I have been seeing for a while, but I don't really tell her anything about how I actually think or feel, I just haven't been comfortable enough to yet, and I haven't with anybody actually.

I just need some advice, as to how to stop these (intrusive?) thoughts, or anything along those lines.

I know that service dogs are a amazing tool for people, or that labeling yourself as autistic can get you the help that you need. But i just cant stop that need to gate keep.