I’m so ugly, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror

This might be very long. I’m 25 F. Right after I hit puberty at the age of 13, I developed features that are not considered attractive. I started getting a lot of acne, I gained some weight (not overweight but any weight I gain settles in my face) and my face puffed up and I got hyperpigmentation everywhere.

I was also very insecure in presenting feminine because all my life, femininity had been shunned around me as something that’s “attention-seeking” and “out there”. When I started to develop in my chest area, I started slouching just to pretend that I didn’t have boobs. To this day, my posture is really bad because I did that for years.

Despite some awareness that I didn’t have a pretty face, it never really bothered me at the time. I was indulging myself in my hobbies or getting depressed. Didn’t have the time or mental space to care about anything else.

I’d say I had that mentality until I was about 21. I slowly started caring more about the way I dressed. And started liking wearing feminine cloths that I was oh-so ashamed of before. I started having a skin care routine. I even got a boyfriend. Though I’m unsure why he even likes me.

Even though I started liking these things and taking care of myself more, I noticed that I’m never happy with how I end up looking.

The other day, I broke down in tears because I genuinely thought I was gonna look so pretty after planning an outfit and everything, all for it to come down when I looked at myself in the pictures that were taken of me. No matter what I do, I cannot change the fact that I’m ugly. I can wear makeup, pretty dresses, lose weight, but none of it will cover the fact that i just have a terrible face.

It’s come to a point where i get disgusted when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I get jealous of all my friends who look naturally pretty even without trying. They look good in every picture. I just wish I was pretty too.

I look back of pictures of me as a teenager and it repulses me. I looked absolutely hideous. I looked so much older than my age as well. I’ve never glowed up from then either. I look about the same. Except even older now. I’ve lost weight too but I still look terrible.

I’m just having a really hard time accepting that I am ugly. I know I am, but then what? My brain wants a way to fix it even though I know there isn’t.

Oh and one thing about me is that I’ve never experienced the collective female experience of being catcalled. Never in my life. But when I go out with my friends guys always whistle at them. I mean, I don’t want to be called like that but it does make me think something is very wrong with me when it happens to every other girl except me.