dreading having sex on my wedding night

im really excited to get married and so is my wife to be. i enjoy sex with her, however i use the cnc kink as a crutch to even have sex at all. im severely bottom dysphoric and have an extensive history of sexual trauma and due to probably the combination of those, having regular vanilla sex is deeply uncomfortable. every time ive done it i just feel terrible about myself. but i WANT to do it! i WANT to be able to connect with my wife like that! i enjoy sex and i enjoy sex with her, there is an amount of discomfort I feel during sex at all times, but its way easier to manage during cnc scenes. and my wife is amazing at sex and i want to be able to tell them that while we're doing it. they make me feel so good. im anal only and dont let her touch me downstairs which theyre very respectful of but even that doesnt negate the discomfort of having vanilla sex. we're having a small wedding for the legal stuff in a couple of weeks and are going to have an actual WEDDING wedding after ive been post op from the last stage of bottom surgery for at least a year, so 2-3 years minimum, which shes happy with because they want to be on hrt for a while before having a big wedding. but we're still really excited about this little one and getting married and i wish i could just experience making love on my wedding night