OCD About Being Canceled, I Feel Irredeemable And Like Everyone Knows I Suck

I was just diagnosed with OCD last week although I have suffered with ROCD themes for years.

Right now, my theme is about being exposed as a creep or some sort of sex pest. This all started because I was made aware that someone posted my photo on Are We Dating The Same Guy in my area, asking if I had red flags. Someone replied saying I was a flake and that I only wanted sex. The sex part was mutually agreed upon. Both of us only wanted casual. However, I will admit, I was fresh out of a break up and was a wishy washy flake. That said, this page is mostly for exposing cheaters, rapists, abusers, and manipulators. While my post was extremely tame and I own my actions, it has kicked my OCD into overdrive.

I am worried that people saw that post and will think less of me. I’m constantly thinking about losing my job and not being able to find a new one because people can look up that post and think I’m sort of sex pest freak. I’ve also taken myself off dating apps because I don’t want to be posted again, or face rejection and then worry it’s because they saw said post.

But I also now worry about being exposed for worse. I have been constantly ruminating on past sexual encounters, questioning whether I was coercive. Or if I asked for consent properly. I keep thinking of one sexual encounter where a girl said no to sex but wanted to make out. We made out and she ended up saying she wanted to have sex. But in my OCD mind, I keep thinking I was coercive and got her to change her mind, when that’s not the case. But my brain keeps searching for the answers.

So now I’m just in this place where I’ve convinced myself I’m a sex pest. That I’m a bad person. That I’m going to be exposed for worse and that soon, the walls will cave in. I just keep isolating myself so that I feel like less people know I exist. Every social interaction I have, I question myself. Every previous rejection from a dating app, I wonder if it’s because someone read what was said about me. I’ve had friends that are women tell me the things that were said were nothingburgers and that I’m fine. But that reassurance just made things worse.

I went through a period after my breakup where all I wanted on dating apps was sex. And I was very forward because I like to set expectations. That way no one gets hurt. All of my flirting was consensual and I never sent things unsolicited. But I was a bit of a man whore. But now I feel like I’ve completely ruined my reputation. Like I’m completely undeserving of love. Like my dating life and social life is completely over. Like I’m just this massive creep. I spend my entire day wrapped up in these thoughts and the only relief is when I’m sleeping.

Does anyone have experience with this form of OCD and how do you deal with it? How do you live normally and not keep yourself inside?