I’m (39F) pregnant and dreading telling my mother.

As the title shows, I’m a fully grown adult, happily married, and I live 5 hours away from my parents.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I discovered that we’re expecting. I still haven’t told my family or friends until we have our ultrasound in a few weeks. I’m excited to share the news with everyone - except for my mother.

I’ve posted here years ago under a different name, but I’m a long time lurker of this sub. Like many people here, my relationship with NMom is complicated.

To make it brief, I could describe her as: Overbearing. Helicopter. Meddling. Dramatic. Histrionic. Waif-Martyr-Queen-Witch. Never apologizes. She sadly didn’t have much of a childhood while growing up in poverty, and was forced into a “parent” role to her 7(!) younger siblings.She overcompensated by hovering and over-sheltering me throughout my childhood and young adulthood. She’s great with little kids. She’s also very loving and overly empathetic. She’s confusing.

You get the idea.

She’s been a lot better in recent years now that she’s older, and somehow our annual Christmas trip to my hometown went perfectly and there were no fights, crying or dramatics this year. I couldn’t believe it. So I feel guilty even thinking about our tumultuous relationship when I was younger.

I know my mom and dad will be happy for us! But im already dreading the “You need to come home and stay with us! You and your husband need to move back to [my hometown] so we can live close to you and help! We need to take care of you!”

I’m an only child, so when I go to their house it’s always just THEM. It’s just me, (and my husband if he comes with), my eDad, who is just kinda “there”, and my Nmom, bulldozing and pushing us all around. No siblings to lighten the mood or come up with excuses to get me out of the house or act as a mediator.

I already know she’ll want to invite the whole neighborhood over.

I already know she’ll work herself up into a tizzy insisting that we NEED to have a baby shower in my hometown, and she’ll have a meltdown in the planning process despite everyone trying to help or me telling her not to bother with a party.

I already know she won’t be able to resist calling her frenemy to brag. “She’ll be SO jealous that you’re having a baby before either of her daughters!!” (Her “friend” keeps nagging her daughters to hurry up and have kids because she desperately wants to be a grandma. Luckily I never had that pressure, but I know my mother won’t shut up about it now that she can lord it over her “friend”.)

I enthusiastically agreed to move to my current city for my husband’s current job, solely so that I could keep boundaries and distance away from my parents. No “surprise” visits, no “just thought we’d stop by, and also I need to go to the bathroom, can I come in??” so that she can dig and snoop through our stuff or comment on our home later. No “we need your husband to come over and help us with chores this weekend”, NO THANK YOU!

Another thing: while at the store with my husband, we walked past the greeting card aisle with all of the cute Easter cards out.

Husband said, “I’m going to get my dad a Happy Easter, Grandpa card! He’s going to love it!! Can we get one for your parents too?”…And I hesitated, and told him honestly that my mom is going to have a hard time with being called a grandma because she’ll say it makes her “sound old”.

I didn’t buy a card.

This is my mother, who’s in her late 60s and still jokes that she’s “turning 29” on every single birthday. I literally never knew my mom’s age and full birthday until I was in college. She would never tell me even when I asked her in all seriousness. I finally had to sneak into her purse to look at her driver’s license when I needed that information to fill out government paperwork.

How fucking sad is that? I can’t even pick out a wholesome, cute card because I’m worried it’s going to offend my mother. Ugh. Just, ugh. All of this.