Am I just a crappy person?

ok, title is a little dramatic, but that's my mood right now.

God, I don't even know where to start. This was going to be a short, to the point post, and it has turned into a monstrosity. Sorry...

I'm married to a highly intelligent autistic person. We've been having issues for a while and have been doing marriage counseling. I was diagnosed ADHD 2-3 years ago ( he was diagnosed 10+ years ago).

We had a disagreement/argument/something last night. He thinks very much in black and white. I generally don't. So, when he talks about something he is very "this is how it is and this is what's going to happen" and there is really no room for disagreement. To be fair there are a lot of times he is right, and that is what happens. But a) I have a hard time just accepting something is going to go a certain way (in context of my job or something similar) because he says so and b) I find it very hard not to get defensive when it feels like he's calling me an idiot because I disagree and takes my disagreement as I don't believe him/listen to him/etc.

So, this happened last night. We had a conversation via text over the last couple of hours which started with me asking if he still wanted to go out for dinner with my parents tonight. He was frustrated with me last night and stayed up late, so I asked because it's a social interaction that stresses him out and I wanted to make sure. To him, that was me projecting my feelings onto him and he didn't understand why he wouldn't want to go still.

He says that I bring things up that I know are going to upset him. That I don't understand his autism and I'm not willing to learn/change/whatever. I don't think that way though. The way he talks - and it's not always how he means it - I do shit to piss him off on purpose. Which is not the case. Last night he asked me about work and I vented a little (he used to work there) and he got worked up and stressed. It's not like I sit there and think, oh yeah this will piss him off, I'll talk about this. He has admitted in the past when he says I do things on purpose he doesn't always mean that I consciously do it on purpose. But I also don't believe that I'm subconsciously doing shit to piss him off.

To make it worse, he actually does do that to me sometimes. He thinks that he's proving a point and if I complain or say something he says I'm holding him to different standards and it's not fair. I feel like he is comparing something I'm doing unintentionally to something he's doing intentionally and saying it's the same exact thing. Am I being unreasonable - is it the same thing to an extent?

I have a hard time thinking in the moment and expressing what I'm trying to say. I also tend to say things without thinking - which I also don't know how to fix. Like asking an obvious question, which he takes as me calling him stupid. Related but separate issue.

So he feels like I am not making an effort to learn how he communicates, and I'm not considering things that I say, etc. I am trying to remember when we are talking that how he's talking and his tone is just him. What I generally interpret as an angry tone is just his tone when he is in a certain mood, and I need to realize that and not take things he says personally or feel like everything is my fault because he's not blaming me. Which I've gotten better at. But when I'm stressed and overwhelmed (which feels like a constant thing lately) I don't even know how to begin to stop myself from saying things, or remember that I shouldn't be taking things so personally. It's not until after the fact when the damage is already done that that kind of thing even comes close to entering my thoughts. But at the same time, the way he says things sometimes, I find it impossible not to take it personally and get defensive. It feels like he compares situations that aren't the same and uses that comparison as an example. Like I can't say certain things about people that I work with because he'll connect what I'm complaining that they do or don't do to something that he thinks I do or don't do. And maybe he's right, maybe they are similar and I just don't want to see it that way.

And, he has said this in counselling, and I don't completely disagree, that when we talk about something I get better about it for a few weeks maybe but then I slide back into how I was before. I don't want to do that but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like with all of the stuff going on in my head, I don't know how to change my behaviors long term. Or sometimes even short term.

So. I wonder if he's right that I'm not making an effort, and that I don't care and/or don't want to change. And that I'm a shitty selfish person (my words not his). again, I feel like I don't even know how to change my thinking and behaviors sometimes. Is it because I really don't want to? I don't think so but I honestly don't know at this point.

I need some perspective. And advice. I am not looking for sympathy - I need honest opinions.