I can’t even cry in my own "home"

TLDR: Storm kept slamming my door (no lock because of past incident), I got overwhelmed trying to hold it shut, ended up getting hit again, Dad slapped me and when I cried my mom questioned me. I feel unsafe, frustrated, and stuck at home with no one to talk to.

It’s really stormy and windy where I live right now, and my door keeps banging loudly because I don’t have a lock anymore.

Last year, I locked myself in my room after an argument with my parents. They kept banging on the door, and when they finally got in, my dad hit me badly. After that, they removed the lock completely.

So now, every time something like this happens, I feel trapped.

Today the wind kept slamming my door and I woke up scared. I’m really sensitive to sound, so I was already anxious and shaking. I kept trying to hold the door shut, but it just wouldn’t stay closed no matter what I did.

After a point, I got so frustrated that I started hitting the door myself. I was tired, overwhelmed, and it felt like I had no control over anything — not even something as simple as shutting my own door.

Then my dad came and hit me again.

I started crying. I couldn’t even stop it.

My mom came in and stopped him but she blames me and believes I deserve it. and then i just crying screaming and telling them to leave me alone. then i just laid down and cry but again my mom came she asked "what are you doing?" like they think my cries are for show and yk

that honestly broke me more than anything else. I can’t even cry in my own house without being questioned.

I tried to just go back and sleep somehow, but I woke up crying again because I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do anymore.

I feel like I’m constantly being watched or judged, like even my emotions are wrong. And somewhere in my head, I keep wondering if they think I deserve this, like I’m just a “brat.”

But I’m not. I study, I get good grades, I don’t go out or do anything wrong. I just finished my 10th boards.

And still, this is what my home feels like.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. I don’t have close friends, and I hate forcing connections with people.

I feel stuck here for at least the next two years, and right now I just feel exhausted, angry, and honestly really alone.

I just needed to get this out.

i honestly feel I was never loved but my mom won't believe honestly if your 8 yrs old child had to cry herself everyday to sleep, what kind of parent you were but my earliest memory of crying myself to sleep was when I was 2 or 3 years old anyways I calm down but still shaking. I'm sorry for grammatical mistakes, I can't really think straight.