Have a hard time remembering the relationship

Its been a little over 8 months since breakup and no contact. We lived together for almost the duration of our 4.5 year relationship. Had plans for marriage, family, etc... ended in two counts of betrayal the last month of our relationship, but there was signs i overlooked from the beginning - disrespect, lies, omitted truths, etc. Ive accepted she likely never loved me and was just using me for the time being.

Spent everyday of that time together. Not one full day away from each other.

Thing is - its hard for me to remember anything about our relationship. I cant think of a single memory that makes me happy. I guess it all got tainted somehow, and then repressed. I still get intrusive thoughts sometimes, but its just hard for me to put myself in the same shoes as I was... not even that long ago... and the intrusive thoughts are a lot less specific. They dont last as long as they used to.

I looked at some photos the other day, i guess i just felt ready to. She feels like a complete stranger now. Its odd how you can go from all of that to stranger. Forgot what she sounded like.

In some way, I guess that saddens me. Almost five years just erased, and the only thing left is painful. Feels like a fever dream. Feel like i was just delusional the whole time.