im struggling and would appreciate some advice

Hi im 18F and have been struggling with the way I look for years i remember being 9 years old and thinking I took up too much room on a bench as I compared myself to others. I struggled with eating infront of others from a young age It got worse in high school then one day somone made a comment then I never ate in school again. wich led to over eating when I got home. then let to worse self image and worse restriction then as a result let me to over eating and gaining weight . wich make me feel worse and then makes me want to loes weight even more. it got quite bad, I thought I was really fat so I tried to yk like not eat and I got really bad and ended up with me panicking with . (I wasn't even that overweight) then because of the restriction it make me overeat then I gained quite abit of weight.

I gained weight and I didnt even notice how bad it got. I have lost weight now but I still need to loes more. I dont even know what I look like anymore what if I look the way I did before and didnt notice. I cant weight myself anymore. im scared.

and im trying so hard to not restrict but also trying to loes weight, but also trying to not overeat. I just want to be normal I want to eat normally I want to go out and eat without people are thinking im such a fat cow. I want to be normal how do I recover I thought I was but obviously not. somebody please help me