My secret love letter

Hi work colleague

How are you?

I have something to tell you, and I need you to listen carefully as I may never be able to say it again. I...I..I think I like you..🫣🫣🫣..a lot. I have these strange feelings, the ones you feel when you're in love with someone; and perhaps it may well mean that I'm in love with you. I don't know how or when it started and I cannot explain why it has lingered this long. I wanted to run away from feeling this way, discourage myself, do whatever it took to get rid of these emotions (because I believe I shouldn't have them). At some point I thought I got rid of them completely as when I saw you I felt ... nothing. But I also have to tell you, each time they go away, they still come back and perhaps that explains why we are here.

I suppose that is if you had the slightest attraction towards me you would have told me so I imagine you don't - and that too is okay. So then, why haven't I given up?? If I know there is no chance of us being together, should I not just give you up completely??

Let me tell you why I like you? I think you're so humble, down to earth, shy and honest. You're hard working, intelligent, generous and you genuinely care about the patients you look after even going the extra mile. I like the simplicity in your dressing and the insight I gain reading your clinic letters in addition to when you present in meetings to speak. I like your problem solving skills and your spoken English is excellent. I like that sometimes it feels like you feel thesame way about me too. Perhaps I'm just....., no I'm definitely misreading cues. Indeed I must be, but it makes me feel so helpless when another colleague thinks you like me too. In addition, when you smile at me like that, you confuse me all the more. I like how you write impeccably sometimes, other times with a few mistakes which brings you all the more down to earth. You're not infallible! That is so good to know.

So what do I not like about you? Sometimes I feel you are quite authoritative, or at least your emails makes me feel that way. You want things done your way and argh I don't enjoy working with you because you delegate a lot of tasks. Although, I understand that you want to cross all Ts and dot all Is. Hmmm your emails make me think you're so cold and scary. I also think you talk rubbish sometimes haha, but I think I like that you do as no one knows it all. At least you make your effort and that is enough.

And here we are, everything I had wanted to tell you all written up in this secret place, never to see the light of the day, never to be known by you. In that case I hope this letter then becomes the death sentence to my feelings; that they die, also never to see the light of another day because I don't want to do this anymore. What I want to do....is move on.

Part 2

Hi again,

I promise, this is my last letter before I moved on. It's just that I want to be satisfied that I've said everything I want to say to you. Also, I want to capture exactly how I feel now so I can have a wonderful reminiscence ...say two years from now. I don't even know if this is right or if it would be considered crazy. I guess I just wanted a space to let out my feelings, hope they would go away when I do

So in addition to the things I said I liked about you, I like your stature -very fit. In fact I have plans to lose weight myself and I started exercising yesterday. I like your well trimmed nails and how focused you look when you type on the computer - to add to this I wish I could hold your hands, even if it's just for one moment.

I like all the complements you've given me so far - I was so surprised as I thought you never noticed me (but of course you do I'm your colleague. They made me feel noticed by you. I both like and hate how we pretend to be strangers at work (or perhaps it's just me). I remember the day I summoned the courage to talk to you - obviously it would be work related and you spent more time than you should have explaining it to me. "That wasn't what I was asked to do" you said (and I wondered, if you were the consultant doctor, then who asked you to do things?). Of course I knew even without you explaining that it wasn't your job to do - but the fact that you took so much time explaining to me made me feel valued.

Part 3

Hi

Sixteen days to go and then it's goodbye forever. I want to say I can't believe it but I know I can. Whatever was I expecting? This was it! The beginning, the middle and the end; it was all thesame.

I guess what I can almost not believe is that you will forget about me...just like that like I never existed. But what else was I expecting? I will only be able to see you twice now ( because you didnt come in today) and then, it's goodbye. Oh well I already said my goodbyes. This......was really IT, typical reality.

I hope I never fall for anyone else who cannot love me back or anyone outside of God's plans for my life for that matter

It hurt, a bit perhaps. I wish you could say you are sad I'm leaving....if only.

There is no hope, only hurt. The only way forward is to forget, to move on and to never think of it again. Now this is my closure, perhaps the escape I've always wanted, my route to being saved from all this madness. But why are you not feeling the same way? Why is it only me?

Part 4

Now I will only see you once more. And then, I will forget