I am overwhelmed and would love insight

Thank you for reading if you do.

I am awake at 3:30am once again.

I'm experiencing intense sleep issues. I understand I need to see a doctor, but would like to get this off of my chest.

I lost a near 10-year close friend in November from an overdose.

I just lost my grandpa last week as well.

I was in a band with that friend, and my grandpa purchased the instrument I used.

I've played this instrument for 25 years. I can't even touch it right now. (that's a big deal).

The two deaths feel like they're molding together.

I have also been pushing people away with unwanted venting and anger. I've pushed my own bandmates away (we aren't a band anymore anyhow but ), I told them about how me and my friend had a sexual relationship behind their backs. I am the only female. me and my friend agreed to keep it a secret, but when he died, I couldn't hold it in. we had the closest nights together behind their backs.

They didn't appreciate knowing that , and granted, I probably butchered the entire confession due to being emotional.

I feel that losing my friend has made my world crash down. We were seriously so close that I, even though I tried, can't even explain it to them without being completely inappropriate. We shared every secret we've ever had and our relationship was so much different because of this. I don't blame them for not understanding and wanting to take space from me.

Then my grandpa died. I basically have "lost it".

He was my mom's father who chose to raise her and isn't even blood related to us.

I saw relatives who were supportive of my band and never even said sorry about my friend passing. my family is toxic anyhow, but that pissed me the fuck off. I guess, what can you expect when others are hurting?

I'm feeling selfish, angry, emotional, and like I could scream at any given hour of the day.

My calmness only comes because I am professional at work, and because everyone is telling me "YOU need to do this", "YOU need to work on that".

HOW?! I AM SO FUCKING LONELY and it feels like no one can handle this or take the time to be there!

I'm just a mess.