i have terrible lack of empathy.

helloo!! my fiance recommended i leave a post in this sub for some sort of reassurance that what i experience is common with other autistic people. basically my issue is having a severe lack of empathy, to the point where im scared i might be a bad person. i struggle to care for my fish because i dont particularly see them as more than a decoration. i do in fact take care of them, it just takes a lot of effort. i love them so much, but to me they dont need anything to be alive, i struggle to feed them because in my mind they dont need it. i do feed them, everyday, i promise, i just have to talk myself into it.

i dont care about my family. i love my mom and my sister, i might love my grandparents? however i feel no attachment to any of them whatsoever, my friends sit higher than my family in my mind (this might just be due to my traumatic childhood lol) when my sister was born (i was 10 at the time) i felt nothing, i was annoyed by her inconvenience. i struggle to care about others needs, specifically people’s need to sleep, i get upset when people want to sleep instead of hang out with me (i also have diagnosed bpd) in my mind they’re being selfish because they would rather sleep than be with me. i do care for my friends health and their sleep, i rationalize all these thoughts i have but in my core i think these things.

i dont particularly process that people exist outside of me. i feel terrible about it. i do NOT act on any of these emotions, i know they’re just emotions and not fact. i love every loving creature so dearly, my love for my friends and partner out way any other emotion i have. i am a good person, i am compasionate, i am always there for others in time of need, i feel so much love and i know these things. but sometimes i feel evil, like im heartless and on the road to being a serial killer or something. (lacking empathy does not mean you’re a serial killer, i just think the worst of myself)

anyways, the point of this thread was to just kinda admit that i feel this way, and to ask if anyone else experiences a lack of empathy to this extent. if you’ve read this far thank you, have an amazing day, drink some water, and breathe. <3