disconnected

i've dealt with chronic stomach issues for more than half my life, i'm eighteen. well starting two years ago i started experiencing things on a whole new level my lifestyle basically had to change. my diet, my habits. if i don't follow along my stomach flares up into a whirl of pain.

a part of me can't help but think it was due to my ed, i'd have acidic drinks and call it breakfast. i'd aim for one meal a day, etc. overtime i noticed my body couldn't handle certain foods like it used to, but i was oblivious to how long the affects would last.

everyday i'm filled with resentment, resentment for depriving myself of food when nowadays i'm unable to indulge in what i truly enjoy. i'm angry that when i mess up, and give into the cravings it leads to unbearable pain, but it's a cycle that continues.

i've always felt disconnected with my body, and i don't know when that's going to change. and it's unfortunate that after all this suffering this is the most comfortable i've felt in my body, the most confident. but there are many days where i don't recognize myself, and i know my peers want to say something. i know they have questions i see it on their face, their gaze.

i'm just stuck wondering i did to deserve this in this lifetime. there's nothing more i want than to live normally, eat a bunch a junk like i used to. and just be a teenager.