My ass is on fire🔥

My freaking ass has been on fire since last Thursday and tbh its annoying. Context (ndio msianze kujijazia story): On Wednesday I was with a couple of my friends celebrating a birthday. Food and drinks zilikua kwa wingi. Now I decided I was going to decimate nyamachoma like it owed me money. If you ask me I think I ate minimum 5kgs.

Now the next day is when all hell broke loose. I went to take a shit but constipation decided to shine upon me. Dropping a log felt like birthing a brick with catus spikes. The way I was sweating, you'd think I have done mjengo work for a full 12 hr shift with no break.I was in the toilet for like almost 45 minutes but it felt like days.

Rn I feel like I have popped a haemorrhoid and this shit is giving me some annoying pain. Sitting down is a bother. I just wish my ass would be detachable so that I'd just put it aside iende ikaskie uchungu peke yake na hukooo!! How does one get rid of the pain because I just feel overwhelmed.