selectivity with people and loneliness

what came first selectivity or loneliness ?? is something i want to ask other infjs. it resonates with craving connection yet cant get any of it. is it a negative feedback loop of being different —> no friends —> shutting people out and only letting in specific ones —-> feeling alone —> shutting people out —> feeling alone…yada yada…

someone a lot more mature than me brought up to me recently randomly that i’m very selective with the people i’m around. and i had never made the connection that it is why infjs may struggle immensely with loneliness. it’s a known fact that we have a hard time finding connection therefore succumb to loneliness and end up blaming ourselves for this inadequacy. but now knowing that, for me personally i see loneliness reframed as selectivity. instead of thinking that there is something wrong with me, it really is just my values of maturity, depth > quantity and high standards that repel most people away.

it isn’t any sort of inability that i can’t make friends, ive recently met a lot of people whose personalities i genuinely admire and traits i wish i had for myself. and i kept thinking that not keeping in touch with them was a rudeness on my end but it’s simply just an in alignment with my energy. e.g. i don’t find it filling in spending time with a friendly, funny, bubbly and overall great person who isn’t comfortable with sitting in silence. small things like that matter for some reason to me which brings out that incredibly selective side in me

to be this extremely selective of people it definitely does feel like something is wrong you instead of everybody else but idk. it’s just got me rethinking how my values in what i want in friends are there for a reason- a guidance that infjs require intense connection rather than small talk that drain me more than loneliness would. i guess i don’t exactly have a super specific question since im getting the feeling ive answered some things myself which is ridiculous but id love to know what anybody else thinks or like to discuss