I (21F) blame my ex-best friend for my body count and struggle with sex now because of it

I (21F) technically have a body count of 8. Without counting sex with my long distance ex boyfriend (and only ex boyfriend) of 6 months, amongst the remaining 7 men I have only had sex 9 times. This is the worst aspect of my body count to me. The body count number makes it seem like I have had sex many more times than I actually have. In my mind, only one of these was supposed to be a one night stand and the other remaining six were a couple FWB that fell through, or guys I had been talking to for around/at least two months that broke things off with me soon after I had sex with them. I have had sex less times than some people with a body count of only one

My ex-best friend (lets call her Anna) and I had been off and on friends since elementary school, but got very close senior year of high school until the friendship ended this past summer. She was not a very good friend to me especially at the end of our relationship, she would constantly try to put me down, excluded me from plans on purpose, and even slept with a guy at the same time I was sleeping with him behind my back (this is what ended our friendship), but I digress.

From age 18 (when I lost my virginity) to now, I realize that I am an adult and make my own decisions, which is why I struggle with what I am about to say. I feel as if Anna pressured me my whole life to have sex with 99 percent of the men I did. This sounds ridiculous typing it out, that a girl friend could actually pressure me to sleep with someone. When I stopped being friends with Anna, her body count was 34 at age 20. She was known for having a ton of casual sex with many men, which I do not shame her or anyone else for, I have just always known in my heart (and even after trying it) that it is not for me. I will never forget crying on my way home from my first true one night stand after breaking up with my ex (which Anna encouraged as she said it would help), I had never felt more like an object in my life.

Whenever I would playfully flirt with a guy at a party or was even slightly talking to a guy, Anna would constantly ask me when I was going to have sex with them. Even making comments like "grow up, we are adults, you should have already had sex with him by now." If I didn't end up having sex with the man, she would tell me that I led them on and must be deeply insecure in myself for not doing what is "natural". At the time I really valued Anna, I really believed her. I grew up in a very very very very VERY small town and was overall sheltered from these things.

Most of the time, I don't feel like she had a direct hand in pressuring me by making comments in the past or to others. I say this because some of these men I slept with while at college out of state-- it was indirect pressure, an environment sort of thing. She would even make so many comments to our friend group (with all of them also having higher body counts in the 20s) to our only friend who is a virgin saying "when are you going to have sex, catch a dick it's not the 80s". I would always try to stand up for her and even text her privately that it was okay she was still a virgin. Reflecting back, I know deep down that I knew having sex most of these times wasn't right. But I thought it was normal, it was what everyone was doing so I should be doing it too. There are four men I only had oral sex with because of Anna's pressure but then I would tell them that I wouldn't have sex with them and would compromise with a blow job.

After finding truly good friends in college that have my best interest at heart, I have learned most of them only have body counts of 1-4. When learning this my heart sank to my stomach, I was under the impression everyone was having wayyyyy more sex than me with wayyyyy more people because of my old friend/friends. Turns out that was not the case. My friends treat me so well, they were the ones who gave me the courage to stand up to Anna and confront her about the way she treated me. My friends now are definitely "my people" and I align with not just in general life stuff, but how we all view sex. I envy their relationships with sex

All of this has caused me to have a pretty fucked up relationship with sex. I constantly just feel used for my body, even from someone, my ex boyfriend, who loved me. My brain has guards up that sex=bad. I felt that anytime he would do anything nice for me, it was just to have sex with me (which is typically how the night would end so I had good reasoning for feeling that way). I always feel like everything is some ruse just to get in my pants. Even when watching movies when there is a super romantic love confession or scene that eventually leads to sex, I can't help but think that if I was in that position that the sex would immediately ruin it for me. I wouldn't believe the romantic gesture anymore. Especially because typically I have sex with men once and then they dip, I find it so hard to ever believe someone truly wants me beyond sex. In my mind, everything in a relationship is a funnel that leads to the main "goal" for men, sex. I have grown such a disdain for sex, which makes me so sad as I want to enjoy it again. As a girl, I was the girl who dreamed of having a boyfriend, having special sex and a meaningful loss of my virginity, a beautiful wedding, etc.

I am trying to remind myself that I have lived and learned, that this doesn't number doesn't define me, but that is easier said than done. I have even made a pact with myself that I won't have sex again until I am in a serious relationship. There is no shame in having many sexual partners, it is just really not for me and I feel shame because of it. This number hangs over my head and taunts me every day, only because I don't feel like I identify with it. I feel like it is Anna's fault.

I just got back from a second date with a guy I really like. My mind is racing, I am so confused and insecure, do most people have sex before they are officially dating? Is it okay to not want to? Should I want to? How would I tell him that I swore off sex until I have a boyfriend? How would I tell him why I swore off it? Won't this just make him ask me out quicker just so he can have sex with me? Even if I do date him and he is my boyfriend and I have sex with him, all I will think about is how my number just went up again and how we will probably break up and that it was all a waste of a body.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I am really confused and need help on what is "normal" when it comes to sex and how to navigate it. I know there is no actual "normal", but any form of clarity would help me. Any advice on how to "rewire" my brain would be really helpful too, I want to work my way toward a healthier relationship with sex and feel less shame in how I feel about myself in relation to it. I want to stop blaming Anna for my body count and truly take accountability for my actions. I want to believe that one day I will feel love and not like my future boyfriend just wants sex, that sex can be romantic and good on both ends and is the ultimate romantic gesture.