I honestly don't know why I stay

34f / 47m - dating more then 4 years but live separately.

I have a SN kid from a previous relationship that my partner doesn't particularly like. We both have anxious attachment styles. My kid wasn't living with me when the relationship started and I was working.

Within a few months I had my son back and had to quit my job.

My son isn't in school full time so working is impossible. But he won't live with me cause he feels like sometimes he just doesn't want to deal with my kid and I resent him for that. Things weren't amazing but they were good. But I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it was almost too good.

So I ended up messing up. Like I always do. I own it, all my fault. He chooses to stay but I walk on egg shells. Hes almost ended things more than a few times in the past 6 months but chooses to stay and I tell him to every time. And I do want him to stay, I do love him but it's so hard.

TLDR: been together a few years, not super happy, don't know why I stay.