Please share concrete, legit reasons to live (TW)

(TW: Suicidal Ideation and self harm)

So, maybe we all feel like this but I am pretty certain the end of my life is within sight.  I write this today in hopes of feeling heard, although I am aware that this is reddit and there will be attacks.

I have a couple of clear and relatively foolproof plans to end my life.  I do not want to, but I feel I have no choice.  I am in severe debt, my work has dried up, and at 58 years old and nearly two decades of freeelancing  - and the state of things in the world – I do not think I can find a job.

I do not live in my home country of the US and have not for nearly 20 years.  My family is mostly dead, and my brother and surviving cousins prefer to not speak to me as I do not share their political views (my open support of LGBTQIA and my hatred of guns and Trump are not acceptable to them).

I have some projects here and there, and maybe can make this months rent but beyond that I have very little ahead.  I have been struggling with a severe resurgence of splitting/dysregulation/harmful thoughts. I do not believe things will get better.  I have had some issues with a return to self harm recently.  My psychologist is kind and providing me pro bono sessions, but he is less and less available.  The two close friends I reached out to to say that I am in distress and I would like to be able to just call them if I was in a bad way… one said no, go talk to your psychologist and the other said they do not like phone calls.  My psychologist has set healthy boundaries and I am no longer able to just ‘reach out’ when I am in distress.

My career, which I was once respected within, is changing as I am seen as older and less relevant as I am not from this part of the world.  I live on a retirement visa but cannot legally earn while holding that.

I am not in financial shape to support anyone, and (as in many parts of the world) I cannot be taken seriously as a partner for a lover/relationship.  When I do meet someone I elevate them unfairly, overshare, and they run away.  My former close friends and art partners are gravitating towards other artists because of my behavior.

I isolate more and more, I had quite weed but now going back to it because why does anything matter.  I am so close to completely broke and now the pay for my last project is delayed and my next projects are not yet confirmed.  If I have any emergency – medical, computer, phone – I have nowhere to turn.  At the moment I owe several friends around 20K USD total and I will not go further into debt or ask for help.

I had quit weed and cigarettes for over a month but will go back to the weed now because nothing matters.  Once I reach the point that I am out of money, I will end my life.

If you read it this far and and you have concrete thoughts on how or if things may improve for me, I am very open to hear them.  However, I am not a believer in forcing someone to stay alive when they are suffering.  I do not matter to anyone.