I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do

Hi, I’m going to try express my mental state and it’s very complex and overdramatic so I understand if you don’t read the whole thing. Ive never posted on Reddit but I needed to know someone at least heard me. I (M16) have crippling clinical anxiety and ptsd. I was a victim of extreme bullying, violence, as well as mild neglect. I haven’t Ever fully expressed how I feel out of fear of hospitalization. I think the world is cruel and cold and I doubt there will ever be anyone in my life who will ever care about or understand me. My parents (mostly my dad) ignore me a lot but act like I should be guilty for not being around them. i don’t have any close friends but I’m fairly popular in my high school. I try to be positive and outgoing and helpful to the people around me despite how i feel. I know it’s not a lack of trying to be healthy. I do everything right, and I do all the mental health crap but none of it works no matter how much I try and want to change. My friends don’t care about my passions, they think they’re lame. My girlfriend ignores me, and my family brags about my achievements but none of them like me for anything but that. I can’t talk to anyone cus I don’t want to put that weight on them and frankly they won’t get it. i know what’s wrong with me and I know how to fix it but it’s not working because of that. I have an iq of 140 and that’s awesome but also bad. Therapy didn’t work cus I knew everything she told me, no one understands what I mean when I say things and I feel like an alien. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry this is all out of order but this is how it came out, thank you for reading all this, and you are loved.