I think I’m regretting my marriage

Salam brothers and sisters. I have written similar posts before if you want to read those for a bit more context. If it will help.

I have been married (rukhsati) for a few months, but had my nikkah in 2024. I met my husband in college and we instantly hit it off. I loved the way he respected his family, friends, women, etc. He is the most hardworking person I have ever met and the kindest. I never grew up seeing a happy healthy marriage. Most of the men in my family don’t treat their wives right and the wives just obey their husbands. I never knew what a healthy family dynamic was like, until I met my now husband. Someone who treats everyone with love and respect. One who lowers his gaze, who works hard for himself, who has a great understanding of Islam, who has the most loving and beautiful family mA. He had everything I wanted. He had that beautiful family dynamic, he had the respect that I longed for, he had a stable job, literally perfect. We started talking as soon as we met, I became close with his friends and family and he became close with mine. We thought it would be good to get our nikkah done sooner or later so we did. I had to fight a lot with my family for this marriage. They wanted someone who was a doctor making like $200K+ you know the usual stuff. But I fought and fought and fought. Trying to tell them that he’s the kindest man and his family is amazing. Eventually they agreed, and fast forward a couple of years, they love him. And his family treats me like their own daughter. I was happy. But things just started going downhill after that.

We just kept arguing about small things. More recently than before. Before rukhsati, we had pretty big fights. They would start off with small things, but escalate quickly. We would fight more on how we react to things rather than the fight itself. But these arguments always landed on me in the end. How I’m immature about my feelings or how I’m too focused on how he said something rather than what he is trying to say. I become defensive when someone gets upset at me. It’s a defense mechanism. I always feel the need to try to explain myself when I know that’s not what I meant, even if it came out that way. So when I would do that, it would make my husband feel dismissed. I tried to work on that, but it happened so often that we became a bit more wary of each other. Arguments started off with something else but then would always end with me mad at him because of the way he said something, and him then mad at me because I “missed the bigger picture and am not understanding his feelings because he said something the wrong way”. I feel like even when you’re mad, you should be careful about HOW you say things. Rather than what you’re saying. Things said calmly are better than things said in a rude way. He calls me immature for feeling that way. Instead of trying to hear me out, he just tells me to change this part of me. And I always try to tell him that I will change, only if you change what I don’t like either. But he refuses to think he’s wrong.

Because of these arguments, i feel like a giant invisible wall has formed in between us. There’s no random acts of service. There’s no random hugs, kisses, “I love yous”. I’ve been so frustrated for the past few months that I’ve been writing in my notes app every time there’s something on my mind. I can’t go to him with these thoughts because I know it will flip back on to me. He tells me a lot of things straight up, but I can’t. I’m too afraid to hurt the other person. But I’m writing in that app too often, and it’s scaring me. I don’t feel the love that I once felt. I understand honeymoon phase is a thing, but there were times he always wanted to talk to me, but when he comes home from work super tired (which is every single day), he wants his space. He says that I can become overstimulating and annoying. A couple of years ago, when he would make up his mind to get me flowers, he would go to every store trying to find a bouquet for me. When his phone was about to die and his charger wasn’t working, he went to multiple gas stations late at night trying to find one just so he could speak to me longer. We used to fall asleep every night on FaceTime. When he would be driving, he wouldn’t want to let go of my hand. I know these are super super small things but these are the things that make me happy. I’ll ask for flowers repeatedly, but he doesn’t give them like that anymore. Within the past year, he has gotten me flowers on my birthday which is in the summer and on Valentine’s Day. I’ve always told him that my favorite flower is tulips, but I have never gotten tulips. To be loved is to be seen right? Whenever I am not home and I want to speak with him, he wants his alone time. He doesn’t want to have me on the phone that night because “he can’t sleep”.

For some more context, I got laid off and have been trying so hard to find a job during this terrible job market so I’ve literally just been staying at home and it’s driving me crazy. I hate staying at home so I try to keep myself busy by doing courses online or going out for myself. Keep in mind, every single thing I buy I try to use my own money. Unless I really need to use his money, I will spend my own. I used to help him split rent when I had a job, but now I don’t have enough funds to pay. Now I don’t know if it’s starting to get to him, but I have been hearing taunts about this quite a bit. Whenever something gets him frustrated, I’ll hear, “I don’t sit at home all day doing nothing like you.” Or “Just because I’m working hard and you’re not doesn’t mean…”. I got sick a while back and he got sick from me as well. Obviously I didn’t do it on purpose, but he made me feel terrible about it. “Why weren’t you more careful? You know I have a busy week at work. Now how am I going to do this?” “You should have been more careful. I have things to do. I don’t sit at home and do nothing all day like you.” And this has started to become a regular thing now whenever he’s upset. Whenever we’re sitting in a family or friends gathering, as soon as we leave he pinpoints something I said that I shouldn’t have said. Or why did I say something the way I did. Then he gets mad at me and ruins the entire mood. I have literally become nervous to be alone with him at the end of the night and wait for him to mention something that I did that was not right. It’s like I am consistently walking on eggshells to make sure that I did not mess up again. Apparently I’m a pretty clumsy person. Tripping here and there, dropping things, forgetting things. It’s a pretty regular occurrence and I try to make it better by setting alarms for myself and even writing things down. But these things actually make him so mad. I will admit, sometimes it has been super important things. But it’s happened “so much” that it’s a burden. Sometimes I wish that he wasn’t so anxious and he could laugh things off with me. I wanted someone who accepts my flaws or helps me with them, not one that constantly called them out. He will sometimes make me feel super small. Or make me feel like my feelings are never valid. Or that I need to change the way I think. I get headaches quite often, it’s something that’s always happened to me. And he has told me quote on quote “eat something so you don’t get a headache later and start whining.” Like I’m so sorry that my pain is an inconvenience to you?

We really don’t act like couples. There’s no cuddles because he’s overstimulated because my hair gets in his face. There’s no more I love yous. We don’t even hold hands anymore because he says his hands get sweaty. I ask him for head massage or back rubs and he rolls his eyes because he’s too tired. There’s no more of the random flowers. I would truly truly appreciate if he could help me clean the house or do the dishes one day but he’s always “too tired”. He tells me that he works much harder than me and me washing dishes or cooking and cleaning is not a hard task. I try to make myself feel better by saying he works so hard for me but I’ve also learned that he would be working this hard whether I was in his life or not. He may be right in his own ways and I may be right in my own ways, but I don’t think we’re compatible anymore and I think I may have made a very hasty decision. I feel terrible for telling anyone because I fought with my entire family for him. Now I’m too afraid to bring up anything. I’m not happy anymore. And I feel like I suppress a lot of my old feelings which are written away in my notes. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep and praying for things to get better. I can literally cry next to him and I’m not sure how his heart doesn’t soften enough to comfort me. He just goes to sleep. Things are already not good and we just started living together about 5 months ago. There’s no excitement. He has told me I don’t bring him peace, he has told me that I don’t bring him comfort. And that whenever he comes and opens up to me, I become weird about it. I’m really not sure what to do. I don’t know what more I can do to show my love for him. The love that he doesn’t see. I mean I keep the home clean, I cook literally anything he wants, have tried endless new recipes for him, cater to his family whenever they’re here, I don’t even use his dang money because he’s the only one working right now. I literally do everything I can for him right now. I feel like our relationship is no longer a relationship and just something that we are trying to hold onto because we’re tied up. My mistake here is that I saw what is the bare minimum and thought that this was exactly what I needed.