We like each other but my past mistakes keep coming back

We met in the second year of college. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything like that. We just shared a passion for drawing, so we started getting on calls almost every day to practice and learn together. She was a religious person and I was not, and we had many arguments about it, but they were always constructive. There were many things we had in common and many where we had completely opposite views, but it never affected our bond. Slowly, I started to develop feelings for her, but I knew it was only from my side. The problem was I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was a very introverted person, I didn’t have friends, and I had almost no interaction with girls before. I think I was also jealous of people who were socially good. She was the person I interacted with the most, and it was the same for her too, as she was also introverted and didn’t have friends.

Around the end of the second year, my feelings grew stronger. I started noticing how I presented myself in front of her and tried to find opportunities to help her. My college friends started noticing this and thought I was getting obsessed with her, and she also started noticing it, though I didn’t realize it at that time. She was a guitarist, so I even started learning guitar to impress her. But deep down, I knew she didn’t see me that way. After some time, I started feeling guilty, thinking what I was doing was wrong. Since she was religious, I assumed she would hate such things, especially because in some conversations she had implied she didn’t like them. Also, my college friends noticing my behavior made me feel like they might think wrong things about her. So I came to the conclusion that what I was doing was wrong and that we could never be together. I thought if she ever found out about my feelings, it would hurt her, so I decided I would never tell her (which was my biggest mistake).

Then I started thinking of ways to remove my feelings. I began acting like I didn’t care about her, hoping it would make my feelings go away. I thought maybe if I liked someone else, I could forget her. There was a pretty girl in college, so I thought if I started liking her, it might help me move on and also make my real crush think I didn’t have any feelings for her. So one day, while we were going home together, I told her that I have a crush on this “pretty girl.” I did this to convince myself and also to make her feel relieved (this was my second biggest mistake). After that, I kept talking to her about this “pretty girl,” asking how I could get into her friend circle. Since she was religious, she told me what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t want to listen because I didn’t see any other way to forget her. I kept forcing myself to believe I liked that “pretty girl.” I started interacting with that girl, staring at her, asking my real crush what Valentine’s gift I should give, and I even gave it. During this time, I became so short-sighted that when my real crush’s grandmother passed away, I didn’t even properly notice her pain. She told me about it, but I couldn’t comfort her properly. I was so blinded by my own feelings that I kept talking about that “pretty girl” even at that time. I ignored the most precious person in my life when she needed me the most. I was completely self-centered.

After that, things went on as usual. At one point, she gave me her spare guitar to learn, which was her first guitar and had sentimental value, but I didn’t recognize that. In an accident, I broke it, and instead of telling her, I repaired it secretly because I was scared. When I finally confessed, her trust was broken. That was the first time I felt like she might leave my life. I was devastated and cried a lot in my room, thinking how I could hurt such a pure person. She wasn’t hurt because the guitar broke, but because I broke her trust. I wrote her a sorry letter, and she forgave me. Around that time, college ended, but we stayed in contact. That “pretty girl” moved to another city, and I didn’t feel even a little sad about it. Our practice calls continued, and my feelings for her remained the same, but they started affecting me mentally.

I kept thinking how long I could go on like this. I was constantly thinking about her and felt like I was dying inside. Then my parents started looking for a girl for my marriage, and I thought maybe this could help. I went on a date with a girl, and during that time, I reduced talking to my crush. The date didn’t work out. That day, I told her about it, and she was surprised and asked if I was really going for an arranged marriage. I said yes, but she sensed I was hiding something because everything was happening too fast. That night, she asked me directly if I liked someone. I tried to change the topic, but she kept insisting, and eventually, I told her, “That person is you.” I wasn’t expecting anything and was ready for rejection, but to my surprise, she was okay with it. That was the biggest pleasant surprise of my life. She even agreed to go on a date with me. I was extremely happy, and for the first time in three years, I felt relieved and the luckiest person in the world. She was also very happy. Then she asked about the “pretty girl” situation, and I told her everything honestly. I thought everything was resolved, but it wasn’t.

After about a month, she told me she couldn’t trust me because of that incident, especially since she was the only one I had told about that “pretty girl.” It has been four months since I confessed. We go on dates, sing together, and truly like each other, but every two or three days, she remembers that incident, and all our conversations turn into that topic. I try to explain what I was thinking at that time, but it is hard for her to believe me. Some days we are deeply in love, and the next day everything feels broken again. Just two days ago, we had a beautiful date and were extremely happy. I was thanking God because I never thought she could be my girlfriend or that someone could like me this way. We even talked about marriage and our future. But the next day, I was supposed to pick her up from her home, but due to a small misunderstanding and miscommunication, I unintentionally made her wait, and everything fell apart again. She got very upset and said she couldn’t trust me. Right now, I am giving her space.

I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I am writing here. The thought of losing her is breaking me. I feel very alone and don’t know what to do, how to feel, or who to talk to. It is affecting my work and mental state. I cried yesterday and I have been crying a lot this past year. Before, I cried because I was hiding my feelings, and now I cry because I am scared everything is falling apart. Even small incidents like miscommunication completely break me. I am not good at understanding people. Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day, and I was very excited, but now she doesn’t even want to talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make such mistakes again, but I don’t know how to avoid them. I also don’t want to get emotional in front of her because it feels like I might be emotionally pressuring her. We both like each other, but everything is becoming very confusing, and my past mistakes are haunting me every day. I want to do everything I can to save this relationship, but I am afraid that in trying too hard, I might make things worse.