30/3/26 Is it wrong to care the way i do?

Thảo, my life has been great since you were gone. I know i make it sounds like you are dead and all of this is just dead wife montage, but, truly, i do slowly find my pace within. I am more content with less, i try to enjoy my hobby, YGO, i have my weekly local gang now, i'm not equating loneliness with sex anymore and i actually seek for simpler human interaction, i do truly appreciate the moment. Loneliness is still but i find ways to cope by. I passed all my subject and this semester is not hard, i am more wary about deadlines and works and responsibility now, i still can't find my passion but i hope that as time passed by i can find one that is profitable. I'm not digging you up to hope for a relationship back btw, i know we ended a looooong time ago, i have long accepted it. There are no cans of worm. However, i find your existence equate peaceful spirit animal ( ik sounds gross right) in my mind so, i love pretending that i'm actually talking to you, i find it best to ask you internally about my wondering thoughts. It's a version of dead wife montage damn I think that, i want to care about people, like you do, like you do me, like i do you. I want to care now that because of you i find some peace within. The thing is that i can't care and i can't not-care. I don't know how to talk to people about their hobbies or mine, i can't tell people why i like mimicking Fremen language in Dune because it's so aura, i can't tell people why Zoro is a minority hunter, i can't tell people all the shitty math stuff i know, and sadly, i cant't really pretend to care about people's problem further than "That's too bad i'm here to listen, do you want to go outside". I often ask them to go out with me, because i am just better being a talker than a typer, like us before, and i am selfish and i want to be less lonely. Win-win. Recently, someone i know broke me off because they "can't stand me atm". Nothing romantic, just casual stuff yk. Apparently i know i don't talk too much, unlike us, i know because i learnt peace from you so i do understand and enforce boundaries, my guess is that they can't take the advice i give them about peace and stuff. I.......as a man, i want my circle to me less miserable, so i want to care and offer help, but sometimes, it is about me too, i just want to interact and feel something, like i do care you know. It's terrible to not care but it's hard to care the right way people want, and the fact that they broke me off do make me feel i'm not complete as a human, not because we had sex, i think it's because i don't have much friends i can talk on a fairly often basis, so i want to keep them by even though the things we talk are nothing more interesting than a shopping list. I.........find it hard to actually find who am i after you are gone, because the first time in my life i don't define myself as a heartbroken man being wronged (allegedly). I now actually have to take accountable for what i feel. I'm still trying to find who am i, truly, dw, thanks to you, but, yk, sometimes i feel like it is easier at that point in time where i dont care about anyone in the world but you and my relationship with you. I swear, all those crying 3 am call you made to me when you are in pain, all those time you ask me to leave the call on so you can hear me, sometimes im sad that i dont appreciate it enough, because at that point in time i don't have to figure out what kind of person i am without a relationship. My identity is just............loving you. And now i'm all alone, by my own, willingly, to actually find out who am i, after all that childhoodless past, childhood traumas, developmental problem. I know i know, i'm not making excuses anymore, i'm just listing the hardship out. I want to learn how to draw yk, because drawing in my opinion is the ultimate icebreaker between people, and i can express my thoughts and imagination better, and, i want to draw you out from my memories.It's getting harder to remember people from my life, i don't want to forget you somehow so....yeah. I'm still there to try, but it's not getting much easier for me. Am i a problematic existence? Miss your apple pie and the view from your bed. But a choice we made. La da da da da di da, la da da da da di da.