Me (F19) and my (ex?)boyfriend (M20) are on a break/broken up and I’m unsure how to regulate my emotions

We have been together for around a year. We have always been very intense, honest, and serious about eachother. We are also both very intertwined with each other’s families, and overall everybody on both sides vouches for us and wishes for us to have a happy future together.

Our relationship has been amazing throughout, it has given me a sense of fulfilment and comfort that I have found nowhere else before. Both of us have enabled ourselves to open up with each other around sensitive and deeply painful topics which neither of us have been able to do with other people. I feel like I have really found my person who I desperately want a future with, and I am not one to say something like this lightly.

At the end of 2025, I was living with my boyfriend due to personal issues at home and also outside factors meaning we would have never been able to see each other if I had stayed at home. It worked well for a while, I got a job there and I love his family. However, we started to clash and things got way too much. We were arguing all the time over very petty things, and with external pressures also on my boyfriend (mental & physical health, university, work etc), he was the one to first initiate a break.

At first I completely dismissed the idea, but it kept coming up in arguments and eventually I decided that nothing else was working, so maybe it could end up being beneficial for our relationship in the long run. We both still want a future together, and if we are both being honest about this, maybe some time apart is all we need. We decided to go no contact, but it didn’t really work for the first couple of weeks, and it was hard to establish whether we were on a break or actually broken up and later would get back together. My boyfriend also mentioned that if I were to make a ‘mistake’ and end up being romantically involved in anyway with somebody else during this period, it wouldn’t effect his decision in still wanting to be with me later on. I wasn’t sure how to feel about this.

I am now halfway across the world travelling South East Asia with one of my closest friends. I was sceptical about doing it at first, but my boyfriend told me I definitely should as he has done similar things before meeting me, while I have not and it’s perhaps a once in a lifetime opportunity. Since being away (start of March), we have been in minimal contact (despite agreeing no contact) and we have arranged to do monthly check-in phone calls with each other, just to ensure we’re both okay. We had our first phone call a little over a week ago now. I was excited to speak to him, and I hoped I would get the reassurance that he was missing me as much as I was him. Instead, to me at least, the call felt very off and not how I expected at all. It felt more detached than usual, and instead like he was doing me a favour by calling, even though he initiated this check-in. I told him what an amazing time I’m having, but also how I love and miss him too, and how much this distance is making me realise how I value him. I did not receive anything remotely similar back, and he went on to say he would not be able to do another check-in until right before I get back (mid May).

I sent a message after explaining how I was disappointed that this would be our only call, especially as it didn’t go how I expected. He responded very blandly. I then initiated complete no contact how we originally agreed (not a nasty message, I also told him that I love and miss him) since I could feel myself getting effected by this and I don’t want it to impact my trip. He didn’t respond, so we are now no contact.

I am okay with this, and I am throughly enjoying my trip, but when I have those quiet moments at night, I feel overwhelmed by it. My life outside of him has also fallen apart which is why I left for my trip, but I now feel like the one stable thing I had to come home to (him), is also disappearing. Before I went, he reassured me everything would be okay when I get back, and that he wants nothing more than a future with me, but it doesn’t feel that way now. I am trying not to think about it, as I don’t need to yet and it’s out of my control, but it worries me for when I come home especially since all other aspects of my life have gone downhill too. He is also supposed to be coming to Spain with me in June to meet my entire family (probably over 100 people who are dying to meet him), and I am also supposed to be attending his graduation.

I’m unsure how to regulate my emotions around this, and very unsure on where we stand as of now, and where we will stand when I get back. As well as worrying about our relationship and my personal life, I also worry for him (whether we are together or not) due to the pressure he puts on himself and the complications he has recently had with mental and physical health. I think I need a bit of insight on how to shift my mindset out of worry mode, and maybe steps to take when I return home. Any help or advice, or other perspectives would be hugely appreciated, and I think I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.