Losing myself again after a god awful two months and idk what to do anymore.

Im in such a dopamine hole and idk how to get out of it. I was having such a good beginning of the year, then I got injured, then I got horribly sick right after recovering from that injury. I havent gone to my martial arts classes in almost two months which is really my only source of in person socialization. i got hit with surprise expenses. I dont know what my employment status is going to be soon. I have no friends near me. Im struggling with patterns I thought I got over. Ping ponging between obsessing over the past and trying to numb myself to everything.

My mind has just gotten darker too. I no longer feel very concerned about death. We're all just crude matter that happened to coalesce in a certain way. No matter what happens to us, we die. Whether we die peacefully surrounded by loved ones or in a car accident, we're just dumbass sacks of meat and bone tightroping above the abyss until we finally fall in. There was never any point to any of this. It doesnt matter if I get better. It doesnt matter if Im healthy or happy or safe. Whether I get a fulfilling career and become totally financially secure or stay struggling or get even worse. Doesnt matter. Dont care anymore. Im just a collection of thinking viscera waiting to explode on the pavement (bars?)

I dont want to die I just want to be left alone to rot if Im not going to be allowed to find peace.