Parents Remind Me that Im a Failure

I’m (19F) currently writing my Bachelor’s thesis. Growing up, I was the “trophy kid”. Competitions, finished JHS in 2 years, published a book, got into a top 5 university, represented my province 3 times. I freelance since high school, and got a full scholarship for my 4th year in uni.

Apparently, it’s still not enough.

Mom put me in piano lessons as a kid. I never even passed grade 1 but she expects me to make money as a pianist. Yesterday, she signed me up for a job where I have to play 5 songs the next day. I can’t say no because she’ll get furious, so I even rescheduled my research for it.

This morning, while practicing, she criticized me and told me how to play (she doesn’t even know how to play piano). I said its not that easy, and she snapped. Called me ungrateful and stubborn, said “If you don’t want the job, just say so. People are competing for jobs right now.”

Then she rambles how she’s jealous of her friends who already live off their kids’ income, while I “can’t give her anything.” Start listing things she sacrifice for my education, food and stuff. Everytime I cry she'll scold me even more to the point where I did...hurtful things.

I barely spend money on myself. I skip meals at college just to save for research and supplies. I’m trying to graduate, to make a living, to upgrade my skills, even help her with her business (unpaid) but Im tired. Nothing I do ever feels enough to her.

I can’t leave yet because I still depend on this house to finish my degree, and I cant afford rent near campus. I have two older siblings but they're unemployed, yet my mom lashed out on me from time to time. I feel like Im a trash kid, unloveable and only bring despair to my parents.