Did my duty at a mandated reporter and it’s eating me up inside

I work with neurodivergent kids and as such have always been a mandated reporter. I hoped I’d never have to make one but 9 months ago I realized a learner of mine was showing signs of neglect and … that kind of abuse.

When I brought it up with my employer after said kid had another meltdown I was dissuaded from making a report and that I was reading too much into it. They had masters degrees so my thoughts didn’t matter. I ended up filing a CPS report against my employer for institutional abuse and neglect.

I was never trained to spot signs of that specific type of abuse but always had a feeling that this kids regressions weren’t just random. They were limited verbally and the distress they had towards going in transport just seemed way out of normal even for a kid who had a hard time with changes to routine.

I recently underwent training for noticing those signs at my new job working at the local school distract. By the time I was done I was in tears because too much of it reminded me of them. They showed… so many signs and all of the sudden the issues in the bathroom made sense. The regressions in ability. The aggression. I knew this kid, and they were very capable despite being developmentally disabled. They just needed extra time and when given it would flourish in ways nobody thought they could. And I realized the push back from my employer was probably to avoid liability and also because his meltdowns were highly profitable for the company being able to have 8 people stand around billing while this poor kid lost it and melted down.

I have since followed up with a second mandated report documenting all the things I noticed. All the signs. Dates. Driver description. Everything I could think of.

My heart is broken in a way I never thought possible. This is a kid who would say “I love you Dad” to me. And I didn’t see it.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it. Like my heart hurts. I’ve been shaking. I’ve been on the verge of throwing up. And the company pushed me out so I can’t even protect them anymore.

I should hear more tomorrow and made sure they knew I was available for any clarification or questions needed.

But I feel like Daniel Planeview. I always had that bad feeling in the back of my head. And now I’m just another adult in their life who had to go away.

I always maintained professional boundaries so I’ll say it here: I loved this kid. He changed my life. Made me a better person. Made my heart grow bigger. Made me confront my own beliefs about what developmentally disabled really meant.

I miss them. Everyday I think about them. And their eyes and the way they looked at me are burned into my skull as I sleep.

I hope they’re ok. And I am making sure to continue to do my duty as a mandated reporter. I have also sought out a therapist and gotten sober after this… it took a big toll on me and basically reactivated my PTSD after 12 years of it being in remission.

I know I did the right thing but it just doesn’t feel like enough. I just hope there’s a day … someday when they’re ok. And maybe one day I could see their goofy smile and give them high fives like I used to.

I’m so sorry buddy. I’m so fucking sorry.