TTC is taking over my life

TW - TTC after loss, suicidal thoughts

We are trying for a baby again after losing our first last year in June at 24w. 3 cycles in and I've had enough of it. Every month my body gave me signals and hope and it all ended in disappointment. I know all the numbers and that it wont happen that soon but one month after another I feel like experiencing another loss, and this month I've had it really bad. My period was 4 days late with lots of signs just like when I was pregnant with my boy last year and I really thought this could be it. But then its all negative tests and then my period came yesterday without any warning, no usual cramps or spotting. For 2 days I have had multiple breakdowns and panic attacks, thinking maybe I dont deserve to be a mother, Im such a big mess no children would want me as their mum. It was to the point that my husband said if someone else saw me acting like this they'd take me away. It has really brought out the worst of me and i've been in so much pain that I started wanting to end everything.

I've been seeking professional help since last year. Took months to make it to the waiting list and perinatal loss counselling doesnt happen until end of April. And even when I'm willing to go private, all the local therapist I reached out to cannot take new patients. I'm very scared for myself now.

I feel like I should stop trying. But then its a dilemma of not moving on, of being stuck in this place grieving for my son with nothing else to hold on to. I dont know what to do and I dont know how longer I can go like this. How do you manage mental health during TTC?