Opinions wanted. 18yrs old. Mother ghosting me and only financially supporting random things. I feel guilty and scared and hate everything.

I'm in such a weird fucking place. My mother paid for me to live in the dorms and bought me a meal plan. She used to give me an allowance for hygiene products, food (bc the meal plan is not remotely enough), medicine, etc...

In December I spent all of my money on christmas presents because I was used to being given money for food. Over winter break, she got offended that I wasn't "giving her the attention she deserves". I've been through plenty of abuse, the most recent being my step-father not letting me out of my room so I couldn't eat/drink/etc... when I was 16/17. So when she yells at me enough, I just shut down.

She told me she's traumatized by my step-father and that no one cares about her. I told her I just don't want to be her therapist. After that, I shut down and felt like I lost my ability to even move. She threatened to take everything away. Then the next day followed through with it. On the ride home, she wouldn't stop making new threats and telling me that she's going to "make my life really hard". I started recording secretly, but didn't speak other than "don't touch me" after she grabbed me.

I still have the meal plan, dorm and school but she's no longer going to be paying for those. She also stopped giving me money for food, medicine, hygiene, gas. She put me in therapy and told the therapist to make me talk to her again.

I've tried texting her about money for school but she just ghosts me. She agreed to pay for an oil change for my car because I told her I can't go to therapy if I can't drive. I also have a horse that she's paying for. I think she's only paying for him because she doesn't want to look bad in front of my old trainer and the barn manager and maybe she thinks it'll keep some power over me???

I don't know where I'm going to live once summer comes. I'm stressed out. I'm saving up, I'm getting a second job and I'm about to get a credit card but I doubt I'll be able to find somewhere to live because all the leases require 12+ months of stable income and good credit.

If I don't find a place to live. I just plan on killing myself. I might get a summer house-sitting gig which would be perfect but that's not confirmed yet. The last time I saw her in person was months ago and I couldn't breathe. I don't want to die but it would be the kind thing to do to myself because I can't be around her. I've always been stressed and scared of her but it's so much worse after what happened.

It's so weird because I feel like I need help but I also have a fucking horse??? The weeks after she stopped supporting me, I could barely afford food but like I said... I have a horse.

I'm just so stressed and I feel so selfish and spoiled. I wish I had an adult in my life I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I might just finish this semester and then the day I have to move out of my dorm, kill myself.