I feel like my worth is tied to my willingness to have sex.

I'm 39F and I didn't find out about ace until a few years ago. for decades I was told that I need to be sexy, I need to have sex or no one will want to be with me and that I am broke for not wanting to. I got married at 24 and from the beginning my lack of interest of sex has been an issue.

After I had a kid it got worse because it was always painful even after two years. Doctors just kept saying to use lube but it was still painful. My husband lost his cool with me saying " I guess I need to brace for a sexless marriage. " That was years ago but it's all I hear. He asked a while ago if I have sex when I don't want to and I said yeah because you act sullen if we go too long. He said " why have you been lying to me?" and I said because everytime I put down boundaries you cross them and I you didn't want me to get a job and now I feel like if I say no you will leave me and I have to start from zero.

He's done a 180 and agreed that I don't have to unless I want to but I can't bring myself to believe it. I feel like I'm waiting for him to say enough is enough. How do I move on? How do I heal? I am finishing my degree and will be done soon. I just feel like I wasted my life trying to be allo and I ruined myself.

⚠️ Warning SH topic

I feel like I just want to end it all. I feel like my worth is tied up in my sexuality and I feel damaged for doing things I didn't want to.