Theres high chances im gonna act on my intrusive thoughts and i need to kms before it happens

I have been debating over this for years. Theres no chance i could get help. Im not even sure anymore if its intrusive at this point or i truly want it deep down. I have gone numb from intrusive thoughts of harming myself. Although i dont act on it, ill just go about my day and the thought of hurting myself will just pop up out of nowhere. I would feel that pain sharply but i can no longer be visibly distressed even though i am.

It's an entirely different story when it involves committing violence to another person. I only care about how id do in prison, not causing pain to someone. Or id like to think, the "other" part of me is like that. It doesnt care and it is a real threat. And that terrifies me. And i want it gone. It shows up when im at my lowest, giving me thoughts of brutalizing people. I am in total isolation because of this and i rarely interact with my family whom i live with.

Tell me im a real threat, aren't i? Is it even possible to tell if this is harm OCD or not. I dont even know if ill ever be convinced. I dont feel mentally tormented enough, it should horrify me to the point i would punish myself. I no longer feel the need to punish myself and i think im starting to feel less guilty about my horrific thoughts.

Im starting to feel numb and it worries me that im gonna act on it soon i need to kms