I need to birth a child in order to not kill myself

I’m a 22-year-old woman graduating college soon. I have some plans for a masters with very good academic standing, and a supportive and well off small family. For much of my life, I have not gone a day without suicidal ideation. This week I am feeling the typical signs of an oncoming depressive episode following cutting off my toxic friend group and some career/path doubts.

The thought first popped into my head about a year or so ago. If I’m forced to look after a child, even as a single parent, surely it will take up all of my time such that I won’t focus on myself at all, and my life will be worth living. Adoption or birth, both work.

I’m generally against passing down my horrible genes to a child, to subject a new being to a life of misery and pain, physical and mental. Perhaps adoption is the way to go. I believe it would be a net positive on the world. I could give them a better life, and in turn stay alive for my family members, thereby giving them a better life too.

I know this will come across as unpopular, but I do think that staying busy is better for me than anything, and I’m confident I could give a foster child a better life. I know something like this should not be made so utilitarian, but I see it as working out for everyone. I cannot keep living the way that I am, and I can use my privileges for something better. It’s a win-win. I am capable of love and care. In times so dire, reason flies out the window. Half of us are depressed because we prefer to sit and think for a hundred hours instead of actually doing anything.