My relationship with self harm

I don’t know where to even start with this. I started talking to people online around 2-3rd grade, I hung out around of a lot of older kids who unfortunately did self harm and recorded it sent photos posted about it. Self harm was very normalized for me. I never really knew why I started. It never really was about control, It was about how it felt. I’m clean now though I think about it more and more nowadays. I just get so light headed and happy. I don’t wanna say I hear voices because I don’t audibly hear anything, but when I get get in that headspace I just have something in my mind telling me how this is love, this is what love feels like. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel in the moment. It’s just pure euphoria. It doesn’t hurt in a bad way at all. I know this mindset isn’t healthy at all, and I do my best to ignore the urge but sometimes my arms just psychically ache for me to cut like my body needs it. The best way I can explain is just aching in my arms like pressure that needs to be released. It’s all just too much and I don’t like how much I enjoyed it. I really do my best not to think about it, and how I’ve been clean for so long, and that even if I did cut I wouldn’t be good at hiding it.

I don’t even know why I wrote this, but i haven’t really spoken to anyone about this ever.

I really hate how romanticized self harm keeps on getting, and I hate how people normalize it. Self harm isn’t okay ! And we should be encouraging people to get better! Sorry this is all rambled. I just I don’t know. Thank you for reading if you have