Anything for my son

I have told absolutely no one my true, everyday life for the past 5 years. This is the first time I have ever spoke the truth about what I deal with/have dealt with in my relationship. These thoughts have never left my brain so please, be gentle. You have no idea how hard these years have been on every part of me.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 5 years now. We live together with our 4 year old son. I’m unsure what to do here and feel lost. My boyfriend is a great dad, and my son absolutely adores him. I have had a good paying job at a well-known company for about 4 years now and have held the insurance for my son and I. My boyfriend works at a decent job at a small mom and pop, he’s been there about 3.5 years now. He doesn’t make bad money, but this job has zero benefits other than the paycheck. He’s had at least 6 teeth fall out since I’ve known him and desperately needs to go to the dentist. He’s honestly so lazy about everything in life. He’s had everything taken care for him so he doesn’t understand the concept of being an actual adult (car insurance paid for, phone paid for, car given to him by his family) . The job he’s been at for the last 3 years was given to him by a friend of ours or I don’t know if he would’ve ever gotten another job. (Went 2 years without one when our son was first born, zero effort in job hunting until I forced it) I’ve needed to go to the dentist for months now and feel like I can’t (even though I have insurance) because he makes me feel bad about HIM not being able to go. I’ve told him countless times to get a new job with benefits (mind you, we are well into our THIRTIES) and he tells me he’s applied for numerous jobs with no feedback or there’s nothing good/better than what he has out there. To the world, he presents himself as a very very intelligent and stand-up gentleman. His parents and everyone around us (including my parents) think he is absolutely wonderful. We presented the two years he was off as he was being a stay-at-home dad (technically I guess he was) while in reality I was working triple overtime begging him to get a job, basically killing myself for two whole years with nothing from him. Unless someone were to literally hand him a job with full benefits without him trying I honestly do not believe he will ever have a job with actual benefits.

If I didn’t take care of the basics for my son (doctor, dentist, birth certificates etc), I don’t think they would ever get done. Not a thought in his brain. He gets visibly angry if I take our son to the doctor outside his yearly check (even though he does not pay the bill nor the insurance) because he says our son “milks” everything. I honestly believe he is jealous that our son can freely go to the doctor. He is constantly complaining about things that he “needs to get checked out but cant” and that he will “probably die pretty young because he can never been seen about these issues” when in reality, he just wants someone to take care of it for him like I do our son.

He does take care of our son’s needs at home on the other hand. Changes diapers, clothes, bathes, feeds, etc. Not saying I do not, but it is probably split down the middle. Our son loves his dad so much, and loves us together. We do not fight or anything in front of our son, ever. I truly do not even fight with him anymore on anything.

I am willing to do absolutely anything for my baby. That is why I am still here, putting up with this mess. I do not want to miss any of my son’s childhood, not one day. My son would ask about his dad 24/7 if we were not together, and I do not want my baby to endure any pain directly caused by me. But man, is it sure taking a big toll on my mental & physical health. My boyfriend has formally asked me to marry him twice in the 5 years we’ve been together & I have turned him down both. He blames me for him not having benefits/insurance because I denied his proposals, but I am not marrying someone strictly for benefits reasons. I’ve always wanted to be married, just to the right person. I do not want to be a caregiver to a grown adult for the rest of my life. I want someone who wants to know all about my day. Someone who holds me when I’m sad. Who makes me worry less in life and takes things off my plate instead of adding to it. Someone who doesn’t roll their eyes when mine are lighting up telling them about something I love. Someone who genuinely cares about me, not just when they are in the mood to pretend to that night. I work damn hard every single day, and have since I could. I just want the same from the man I marry.

So, what am I asking you guys? I guess I don’t really know. I’m trying to understand everything still myself. All that I do know is, the only reason that I have stayed this long is for my son.