Nobody understands

Of course nobody understands, people give you advice that will fuck up your life in a heartbeat and they don't care the most they'll say is "oops" when they're terrible advice causes your life goes to shit

Nobody gives a fuck people only care about things in relation to them they only care about people because their "my" friend or "my" son it's never actually in relation to the person it's all selfish it's all solipsistic

It's this fucked up hellhole of selfishness nobody actually gives a fuck nobody actually understands nobody actually cares enough to properly listen and even when they do I can't properly explain the fucked upness of my situation

There's too much context it's too fucked nobody can understand nobody understands me I'm in fucking hell what is this fucking shit I'm ridiculed wherever I go never taken seriously I'm in fucking hell I'm never taken seriously I'm never how I should be I'm never feeling how I should be I'm never just at peace I'm never fitting in I'm a freak I can't fit in I'm an outcast I'm a piece of shit I'm a freak fuckup that can't stop fucking everything up

I can't do this shit I need to die I have to I need to die I can't stop thinking thinking is all I do and it's maddening it's deafening but I can't even stop thinking by meditating because life doesn't make sense I want it to make sense I want it to but it doesn't and people will say but you just said it doesn't make sense but the whole thing is I just created a mental construction of life not making sense to help cope I'm not actually accepting it

I just can't do this my brain is fucked maybe I'm too smart maybe I ruminate too much, posting on reddit about how smart I am typical I guess god damn can't I just not voice every thought I have fuck I have to I can't do this I think constantly I can't turn it off and I can't make sense of this situation why don't I have my friends anymore why have I always lost friends no matter what I do why do I always have misunderstandings with people why do I always block friends and I know the reason I know the fucking reason I block them because I try to set boundaries they don't listen and therefore I block them because of my own lack of ability to set boundaries I know what it is I was going to make a decision that would have focused on me trusting my boundaries my ability to set boundaries but I didn't and now I'm here it's never actually about whether people have negative intent towards me usually they don't it's just I'm a pussy and can't set boundaries and even when I do people say that I'm hallucinating and they don't take them seriously it's never actually that I know my friends are bad people and intend to hurt me it's that I can't trust my own boundaries and therefore people continue to disrespect me ridicule me and make me feel like shit and every time I call them out they say I'm hallucinating I end up can't setting boundaries and not trusting that I can in the future and not trusting in my own reality because I've been gaslit all of my life by everybody in my life especially my mum it's not really that I know that friends are bad people or anything it's just that I don't trust my own boundaries I don't trust my ability to set my own boundaries and I have fear and I fear setting them again and being called crazy again and being dismissed and disrespected again and being out casted it's not about my friendships and whether they need to end its about my fear and my ability to trust in my boundaries and trust in my reality and call people the fuck out and know that even if I'm called crazy once as long as I'm just calling out individual things as they happen and not patterns I won't be called crazy or even if I am they might stop anyways and even if they call me crazy know that I'm not that's why I'm in so much pain I guess because I chose a choice that indicated a lack of trust in my own boundaries and my own ability to protect myself a lack of self trust and that's why I feel so shit right now also because I stopped being friends with people and also because I feel like it makes a bunch of connections with being unable to be myself and be authentic