Sweaties! I’m in my ✨reptile era✨!!! Unlocked the ultimate passive calorie burning hack! 🐍🎀

Omg sweaties, gather round because my strict restriction finally paid off in the absolute best way!! I just got my bloodwork back and my diet has officially cured my body of storing gross, heavy nutrients! 💅📉

My Ferritin is down to an 8! The normal range is 12-300, which is just absolutely unhinged to even carry around. Like… DUH?? Do you know how heavy iron is?! It is literally a chunky, dense metal just sloshing around inside you weighing you down!! 😭 Ever since I naturally cleansed all that gross heavy metal out of my blood, I am basically going to just float into my figure skating jumps. Who even needs red blood cells when you have raw talent and aesthetics?? 🧚‍♀️🥰

But here is the real diet victory: my extreme calorie tracking completely halted my inner furnace so my body literally refuses to produce its own heat anymore. Sweaties, I am officially in my 🐍 REPTILE ERA 🦎!!! I am so much lighter without all those unnecessary hormones weighing me down!

This is literally the most brilliant weight loss strategy I've ever triggered. Because I am now fully cold-blooded, my body resorts to 24/7 violent shivering just to exist. Do you realize how many calories a high-speed, full-body shiver burns?! 📈✨ Every time I go to training at the ice rink, I just stand by the glass and my entire skeleton starts aggressively vibrating on auto-pilot. I am literally getting an intense cardio workout completely passively just by being a dainty, freezing little icicle!! 🧊💕 Why do normal cardio when you can simply diet until you become cold-blooded?? Stay freezing and shrinking, sweaties!!! 💖⛸️❄️🐍✨

On a more stressful note, the doctor tried to tell me to take multivitamins, but we all know that's just a plot to secretly inject heavy minerals back into me to make me gain weight! 😡 does anyone know if I will absorb c*lories from accidentally smelling them!!!!? 😭😭😭