Talking to someone

I thought I’d come on here to identify an issue and maybe get some advice.

I (19F) have often run into the problem for the last few years where I’ll start to like a guy, have one or two really good conversations with him, and then stop talking to him completely. I know I’m avoidant — that’s no secret — but it’s become an issue when I really like someone and want to talk to them but am unable to. I’ve actually come far from the past. A few years ago, I couldn’t even be in the same room as the person I liked and I always came off to them as if I hated them. It’s kind of fear thing but also not. If someone were to ask me my feelings, I’d say them but I won’t go out of my way to do it myself. I don’t shy away from putting my feelings out there, I shy away from the aftermath, the moment of rejection or acceptance.

I’ve found ways to get around the issue which is dating assertive extroverts who don’t let me avoid them which I appreciate until I don’t.

I want advice on this because I’ve had feelings for the same guy going on a few years now. We’ve had maybe three conversations and I’ve been teased about how well we hit it off, but now I just can’t speak to him. He came up to me recently while I was talking with friends and my brain just shut down. It was blank, like I blacked out, which is not something that happens to me. I’m constantly thinking about something, so to just have my mind wiped clean and lose the ability to form a sentence was not an experience I appreciated. The lack of control made me upset because we keep running into each other and he’ll say something nice and I’ll just shut down. I thought I smiled and said something back but my friend who witnessed it said I did not smile and it sounded like I just made an inaudible noise. I’m very animated around my friends which he’s witnessed so I know I’m coming off to him like I truly hate his guts. Not to mention, in the past he’s at least gotten the hint that I liked him so for me to just go blank on him is probably incredibly confusing.

I’m avoidant but I’ve never been this avoidant. I’ve grown out of the stage in life where I completely ignore and avoid the people I like. I’ll at least have casual conversation now so I don’t understand this specific circumstance.

I’ve had the thought in the back of my head that keeps saying that if I truly liked him, I’d respect him enough to have a conversation with him… True. I’m being disrespectful and going against what I believe in. 🤷‍♂️