How does one overcome Traumatised regression? I just want to be told I’m a good boy

I feel like a little boy with no mother and I don’t know how to cope. I’m not even sure how to say this properly but I think people here might understand

I didn’t really have a mother in the way people mean it. She was there physically but she was cold, critical, and sometimes just cruel. I learned early that my feelings were a problem. If I needed comfort it either got ignored or turned into something about her. I spent most of my childhood trying to stay small and manage her moods so things wouldn’t get worse

There was no feeling of being safe with her. No being held or reassured. I don’t have memories of being comforted when I was hurting. I just remember dealing with things alone and telling myself to get over it

I’m in my 30s now and I thought I had moved past a lot of it, but I recently went through a breakup and it opened something up that feels way bigger than the relationship itself

What hurts isn’t just losing her. It’s also losing a witness to everything i ever loved psychology, philosophy, literature and an intense intimacy. It’s this really deep ache that feels almost physical, like something is missing that was supposed to be there all along. I keep having this feeling of wanting a mother. Not her specifically, just someone warm and steady who would sit with me and tell me I’m okay and that I didn’t mess everything up

Instead I’m stuck in my head going back and forth

Did I leave too early

Did I fail her

Was I too much

Was I not enough

At the same time I know I was overwhelmed and anxious and trying to hold everything together like I’ve always done

It just feels like I’m carrying something that was never meant to be carried alone

I guess I’m asking if anyone else feels this kind of grief and if it changes over time

Does that longing for a mother ever get less intense

And is it actually possible to find something like that later in life in a healthy way

I hear people talk about chosen family and even chosen mothers but I don’t know if that’s real or if it’s just something you wish for when you didn’t get it growing up

Right now I just feel like a kid who doesn’t have anyone to go to, just trying to calm myself down and not spiral

If anyone relates or has found ways to deal with this I would really appreciate hearing it.