Somehow, you became my best friend, and I am grieving the loss of you

I went through a phase that felt really unlike me. I was more impulsive, hyper-social, and hyper-sexual, and I had a hard time saying no, even to things I knew, deep down, I shouldn’t act on. It felt like I couldn’t slow myself down or stop the momentum.

I got stuck in a loop: Bordom > dating apps > match > meet > feel nothing. After a few failed connections, I’d lose interest, delete the apps, and end up right back where I started.

You were there in the middle of that, as a friend first. Advice, feedback, easy banter, innocent flirting. You pursued, and I indulged. It was wrong, and at the same time, I had never felt more desired or more alive. I wanted you just as much as you wanted me. We were clear from the beginning about what this was, and it felt like the perfect friends with benefits.

But the more I got to know you, the harder it became.

You are my equal in a way no one else has. You create a space where I can be soft and submissive, but also powerful, in control, even a little bratty, you match my energy effortlessly and your not afraid to call me out. You listen, you didn't back down, you said "challenge accepted" and that created an intensity between us.

I feel more grounded. I’m not stuck in that same cycle anymore. I feel in control of myself again… and I still want you.

That’s the problem.

Somewhere along the way, while I thought I was compartmentalizing (because I knew you weren’t mine) you became the person I wanted to share everything with. The good, the bad, the random thoughts, goals and opinions, and I didn't have to worry about my tone, you seemingly understood me. I didn’t fully realize how deep I was in until I felt jealous.

It wasn’t anything obvious. Just a conversation I saw over your shoulder, memes, reels. But that kind of thing means something. I know because I do the same. Every meme or TikTok I send is a small timestamp of how often I thought of you. It’s a quiet kind of intimacy. And seeing that you have that with someone else made me jealous, I realized that I want that for myself.

Somewhere along the way, you became my best friend.

But I’m not that for you.

You don’t (or can’t) open up to me in the same way. I know you’ve been burned before. And I don’t think it’s that you don’t trust me, I actually think you do. I think you know I’m safe, that you can be your full self with me. I’ve demonstrated my capacity over and over.

But I also think you won’t let yourself cross that line with me. Because if you did, there’d be no going back. And you’re not in a place where you feel ready or able to choose me fully. Maybe you don’t think you’re good enough for me. Maybe the obstacles feel too big. Maybe the sacrifice feels too heavy.

And I understand that, I know the obstacles are big.

Maybe this is you protecting me from future heartbreak. Fidelity is something you struggle with, or it's part of who you are. Or maybe I’ve read it all wrong, and I was just fun while it lasted, and your heart belongs to another.

I might not get every reason exactly right but I’m usually pretty close on the bigger picture.

Either way, I understand.

Over time, you’ll probably go back to being just my friend. And maybe, without the emotional depth I brought into this, even that will fade into something more distant, just someone I used to know.

That will hurt.

But I hope, when the Universe deems it so, I get the chance to find this kind of connection again, my equal, in someone who can meet me where I am at.