I feel awful lately

Hi everyone, I just want to vent about my feelings. Lately, my mental health has been getting worse. Something bad happened to me, a very painful experience and it completely changed me, the way I think and behave.

I’ve been experiencing severe anxiety. When I wake up in the morning, I feel anxious and scared, and my heart starts beating very fast. It feels like I can’t calm down. I try to comfort myself that everything is going to be okay, but it doesn’t work. It got so worse to the point that I told my family about it, and they were being supportive. They couldn't help much, but at least they tried. Even so, I still feel lonely deep inside me, I'm not sure why. I always tell myself that Allah is there for me, and I should be grateful for whatever I have right now.

Sometimes I start thinking deeply about my life (present and future), and dark thoughts come into my mind. I begin to think negatively, and it affects my emotions. I know people say, “Just stop thinking about it” or “Try to relax,” but I just can’t. Even if I manage to calm down for a moment, it only lasts a few seconds before the negative thoughts come back again.

I thought of going to psychiatric to seek help. The first time I went to nearby KK for referral letter which was 3 years ago, they said my condition wasn't that bad enough therefore I don't need any help. I was devastated, when I clearly showed signs of being unwell.

The second time I went to KK for referral letter, they only gave me a small card for caunseling appointment. Went to psychiatric during the appointment date which was a month later, they said they don't accept the card but only referral letter. I told them, but this is the only thing they gave me when I said I want to get treated at psychiatric.

So I gave up. Maybe I don't deserve to get treated. I don't have much money to go to private psychologist. I feel sad, lonely and hopeless. I also do not have friends, but better to be alone than surrounded by fake friends huh. That's what I tried to tell myself as a way to comfort myself.