Do I actually hate physics or do I just hate myself?

I initially chose physics in a similar way to someone who chooses law after they watched Suits. I thought it was so fucking cool and interesting mainly from Youtube videos I would watch about it. I’ve always been naturally capable in basically everything i’ve ever done. I’ve never been the best at anything, i’ve just always been good. I’m not stroking my own ego, I actually think this has made my life all the more difficult. Never in my life have i ever had to struggle out of the mud, i’ve only ever had to wait until it was too unbearable to be in. But i’m struggling now in my second year at uni. I’ve barely made it through physics until now. I haven’t done a single hour of study for the past month, i’m literally just drowning in my own guilt and hollowness it’s fucking embarrassing.

My current solution is to drop physics and philosophy (i’m doing a double degree) to just do a single degree in math. But i don’t think this is actually going to solve any of my issues. I’m literally just choosing the easiest way out I can see without disappointing my family and becoming a bum dropout even though I might as well already be one.

The thing is that when I actually understand physics I really enjoy it. I’m certainly not mathematically gifted, but what I know I am good at is coming up with solutions or improvements to things in a way no one around me usually does.

I already know for sure I’m never going to be a researcher or academic because I would hate it. I kinda like coding but i’m a complete beginner, I like math when I understand it and it has been taught well to me. I think my issue is that I only enjoy something when it comes easy to me and when it has been taught in a way I can understand (which has almost been never at uni).

I’ve never been so unsure of myself in my life. I feel way too overly analytical of everything that i’ve just now decided to dig a deep whole for myself to hide in and not face anything that is even remotely difficult. I think i’m afraid of my own success honestly. It’s like I know that I can do anything I set my mind to but i’d prefer to just take the “easy” route which I know is actually the much much “harder” route in the big scheme of things. I feel like the biggest paradox and self contradictory person alive. I say one thing and do another. I believe in one thing and act in the opposite way.

I feel like I’m wasting my time and money but I also feel like I only feel that way right now because i’m deciding to run away from the things that are difficult. I could take a break, but then i’ll probably never go back to it. I could just do math which I do actually enjoy and I think it could give me good opportunities and less stress but i don’t know if that’s a realistic belief.

I apologize to anyone who actually read this far but I’ve been bottling this shit up for way too long.