Grey Zone

It took me 50 years to finally tell my father to get out of my life because he constantly operated in the grey zone. I call it the grey zone because the abuse is not as clear cut and obvious as what most people think of as abuse. In fact, most will not recognize it as abuse at all and will tell you to grow up and get over it.

He mostly neglected and ignored me, except when he was yelling, criticizing and name-calling. He rarely actually talked to me. Violence was always just below the surface and always felt threatened (often overly threatened), but he rarely actually hit me. It took me years to understand that what was happening was abuse, because I thought it didn't count unless you got your ass kicked on a regular basis. I wanted so badly for him to hit me just to get it over with and so that I could feel justified in feeling the way that I did. I felt crazy.

Now that I've kicked him out of my life, everyone is upset at me, because he's a good guy and doing his best. We just need to grow up and learn to get along better. Now I'm even more isolated than ever. Luckily my Mom has my back. She left when I was young and knows what he's like at home.

Our estrangement is barely 24 hours old and the emotional rollercoaster is really hard. Does anyone have any encouraging words? Did you live in the grey zone of abuse?

Thank you.