Grieving a dying loved one

Hello this is kind of a last resort thing for me as I am ashamed but don’t know where or who else to go to. My grandmother is soon to be put on hospice and the situation since she’s been in the hospital has been nothing but stressful.

I can’t eat or sleep right, I’ve turned to God for forgiveness and I hope he does but how do I cope with how we at times (allot) didn’t get allot especially within recent times, I’m ashamed of myself for the way I’ve spoken to her in the past.

Me and my mother got into a physical altercation earlier because I asked why she had to be put on hospice (I was told the day before if she began to eat they could possibly reconsider but it’s happening regardless now) mind you this was a genuine question, I just wanted an explanation, she FLIPPED and it ended with that.

I live here in my grandparents home with them both in the hospital and with my mom and her brother worried about coming over here to find things regarding documentation I have nowhere else to go, on top of them saying the bills will be due very very soon.

I know this is sadly a process we all most go through but I just wanted some consultation on how I’ve treated her in the past, how do I atone, will it eat at me for the rest of my life ? What do I do to stay ok in the now, most importantly.