Three weeks into taking space after the breakup and I’m already feeling much better. Here’s what I’ve been focusing on.

My partner and I broke up about three weeks ago now, and I’m already feeling a lot better about things.

What I have NOT done: demonize him, villainize him, try to tell myself that the whole relationship was a lie, or that it didn’t mean anything, or that I wish I hadn’t met him, hold onto the idea of him, convince myself we will get back together one day etc.

What I have done: allow grief to move through me. Allow all of the feelings no matter how crazy. Challenge all of my beliefs, values, feelings about him, feelings about myself, antagonize the relationship from every angle, and see what actually remains after. Allow myself to fall apart so I can rebuild myself to be stronger and more resilient. Question who I am and what I value so that only what really resonates with me remains after I heal.

Grief is a rebirth. It’s pain without direction and without anyone to blame, which puts you in a position to understand yourself and what you value and your place in the world as you let it reshape you. It’s painful and it f**king sucks, but if you let it in it can be transformative and expansive. If you avoid feeling it, it will lock you into fear for a long long time.

I love my ex, I will always love my ex, he is a good, kind, loving, supportive man. My heart will always be a home for him. But he is also not in a place where he can hold the kind of deep relationship we were building, he doesn’t have the capacity, or resiliency right now in his life to tolerate the kinds of difficulties and experiences having a deep, integrated integrated romantic partner brings. He hit his first major trigger and collapsed, and he pulled me into a hellish experience when he did before he ended the relationship.

I don’t blame him, I don’t hate him, I don’t resent him. He showed up and gave me everything he could give, it just turned out that it wasn’t actually enough for him to keep the relationship. And that’s ok.

Coming to this realization is helping my love for him stay, but also transform, into something that will actually fit the kind of relationship we would be able to safely have with each other. I hope that we can be real friends one day, because the fun times we had together were amazing, and I’ll always love and care for him. However, I know now without a doubt that a romantic relationship would not be possible at this time, because he has some growing to do before he’ll be able to safely hold that with anyone. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a future where a new one could grow, but it would have to be with two fundamentally different people than the ones who created it the first time, and that takes a lot of time and growth.

You don’t have to convince yourself to hate someone you love, or to never talk to them again. But you also don’t have to have an iron grip on the relationship until it tears you apart either. Let grief do its thing, so you can be molded into something stronger and kinder and allow your love to transform into something you can hold safely. And after that you can decide how you want this person in your life going forward, and breathe a sigh of relief for yourself.